Pancakes

Twelve Lames Of Christmas

2009-12-21T19:23:00.001Z

12. Decieving Christmas Songs - Why does Paul McCartney have so many? What happened to Mariah Careys sanity? Why did John Lennon say 'War Is Over' when it's blatantly not? Why does Shane McGowan have no teeth yet somehow he managed to pull Kirsty McColl? Music to baffle the mind.

11. Killer Snow. Snow is supposed to be nice, it covers up all the dog shit and litter in your town. Sure its cold, but why must it be treated like freshly fallen nuclear waste?

10. Christmas Carollers. Answer your door with a cattle prod and the problem is gone.

9. Mental People. The real danger is being attacked whilst wandering the planes of various retail outlets. Its like Dawn Of The Dead, except instead of 'brains' they want 'bargains' and will stop at nothing to get them. Double tap to the head and you're in and out of Morrisons like a virgin in a whorehouse.

8. Creepy Santa's. No, I'm almost 21, I do not want to sit on your lap. Stay away from my nephew. What is that suspicious stain on your suit? You want to empty your what under my tree?...oh, I get it, that is disgusting..do you kiss your grandchildren with that mouth?

7. Rubbish Presents. Mine have included: a rock with my name on, and jewellery made of bubble wrap.

6. STI's. Its the office christmas party. The photocopier is looking pretty lonely. So is Jen the secretary. Maybe you should tell her she looks nice? Maybe you should attach misteltoe to your crotch? Then again, maybe you shouldn't. What Jen isn't telling you, is that she has Gonohrrea. And unfortunately, unlike on TV, doesn't conveniantly have it printed on her knickers.

5. Jamie Oliver Christmas Adverts. The man with the world largest mouth bragging how his Christmas dinners are all tasty and organic, whilst ours are shit and come from a freezer pack.

4. The Jesus Debate. Oh so he wasn't born on Christmas? And His mam wasn't actually a virgin? He didn't lie in a manger? The Bible arent telling it how it was?! The Christian Church leaving out important details?!!Well that's not like them at ALL. Fucks sake!

3. Dissapointing Christmas Movies on Christmas Day. Legally Blonde doesn't fill me with festive joy. Terminator, does.

2. Finding Out Santa 'Isn't Real'. I found out when I was seven. I've been on suicide watch ever since.

1. Cliff Richard.

From ASBOs to even worse ideas for a TV show.

2009-11-12T12:04:00.003Z

So Channel 4 have managed to yet again astound me with their lack of talent when choosing what would be a good idea for a TV show. The latest shockingly poor written TV show is Misfits, it follows a group of kids with ASBOs who get struck by lightning whilst doing community service and all get super powers. The twist is that instead of using their powers for good they instead try to deal with life as normal but with the addition of superhuman powers.

It is yet another classic Channel 4 young adults program which no doubt be dubbed 'Superman for the Skins generation'. In reality, 'The Skins Generation' is a group of fuckwits who are in no way similar to the TV characters and have no real idea about life or anything that the TV show is based around.

This new show tries to relate to every different group of people out there.
The list is as follows:

Kelly - The chav who'll no doubt start off as a bit of an antagonist but turn out to be a bit of a sweetheart and no doubt got her ASBO just trying to help her family.
Curtis - The complimentary black character who is good at sports and no doubt throws away the chance to win something to do the right thing.
Alish - The party girl who will at some point OD or end up with an STI just so that we can all learn an important life lesson - Don't be a slag.
Simon - The shy one who is obviously a sweet heart but probably has a bit of a dark edge to him because that's just how Channel 4 keep the idiots who enjoy this shite interested.
Nathan - The bad ass, you know the type, he probably smokes weed and drops pills and doesn't want to better himself. No doubt there's a life lesson somewhere and a couple of flashbacks to make sure we know that he didn't always act like this.

The tagline for the show is 'Asbos to Superheroes'. That's right, they made a slightly dated reference to ASBO fever which truck the nation about two years ago. This show will no doubt have all of the morons quoting from it and in wild excitement to see what happens when Alish has to confront Nathan about the Superhero STI Kryptmidia.

Hey look, it's the black one, the party one, the shy one, the mouthy one and the bad ass one. God only knows what will be the conclusion of this hour long preview of visual shit.

No doubt all of the actors in this will kill their acting careers and preferably themselves after the show is finished and maybe appear in a very low rate production of Grease or spend the next year going to different shit student clubs round the country to make guest appearances and realise they've lost their souls for the chance of fame which they never really got.

I'm going to make a point of not watching this show because I don't want any chance that somehow Channel 4 have made some of brain wave machine that takes control of the rational part of my teenage brain and turns it into that soggy brown mush you get when you don't eat your wheetabix quick enough.

All in all, if you watch this and enjoy it you should hang yourself. Not because I say so but because you clearly have absolutely no understanding of what good acting or writing is.

Please for the love of God and all decent TV shows out there, don't watch this, it is going to be shit and by watching it you are only encouraging Channel 4 to keep endlessly creating these shit programs that are plaguing our TV screens.

Pony Robbins

Lady Gaga....again

2009-11-06T03:21:00.003Z

Yet again Lady Gaga has managed to get herself in the papers for wearing yet another shit outfit which she almost certainly only put on because she thought it would help her hang on to her moment in the spotlight for a little longer. We get it, you like to shock people, but getting your clunge/cock out at every opportunity does not make me want to buy your album or in fact listen to your distinctly average music.

She's gone from being slightly shocking on occasions to just being a part of the paper noone cares about. She's like the girl at the party who threatens to kill herself whilst her mascara runs down her face, except significantly less entertaining. I wouldn't mind so much if she maybe wore something that was slightly interesting but going out in what appears to be the frill from a set of curtains sown together does not shock me.

You see girls dress like this all the time except instead of thinking "How controversial!", you just think "slag". Hopefully she'll try and hang onto her fame for a little longer by promoting World Peace in the same way Al Gore is still desperately trying not to be forgotten by telling us what we already know about global warming. In this World Peace plan she can go across to the Afghanistan and try to stop the war with her music. Whilst on said Peace tour she can play a concert for the troops and hopefully be gang raped by all of the concert members because that's about all she's good for, and even that is pushing some boundaries. Maybe she can try and approach some extremists to give their view across to the world in the form of a shit pop song. The extremists probably won't understand this and take her hostage, after being shown her music videos they'll realise how shit a hostage she is and decapitate her.

Pony Robbins

Back issues and such

2009-11-04T03:03:00.004Z

Well we've hit a new level of laziness. It's far too much hastle to put articles from the zine on the blog as my internet is slower than ever so now all of the zines, past and present, are on our new flickr page. This way they'll be up when the zine is finished being printed and you can look at old ones you might have missed.

Also any back issues are now available at freshestpancakes@googlemail.com

Articles that had to be shortened will still have the extended version put on here and general day to day thoughts and hatred will be put on here.

Check out all of the zines here

Zombie Nation - Part 1 Extended

2009-08-21T17:43:00.001+01:00

Right its going to happen, whatever your beliefs or whatever you have heard its still going to happen. The zombie plague will stricken down this world and all its pitiful inhabitants, and you know what? My advice is the only thing which is gonna save you from eternal life as one of the walking dead. What I've written won't tell you why zombies have appeared or who/what could have caused it, no below in the information your going to need if you wake up one day turn the news on and you realise the world is in the grips of a zombie plague. Read or face ultimate death.

First and most importantly after you find out about the plague (Be that through the Radio, New etc) You have to find a weapon, and you have to find one quick. You don't know if there are any zombies in your area and you could blindly walk out of the door and find yourself faced with hundreds and upon hundreds of brain munching undead! Personal I would opt for something quick and short range attacks like a large knife or a crowbar and then also something with more of a reach so you can keep zombies from getting too close. A spade would work but if not a broom could do as its fairly light. Remember the long range weapons are mainly for keeping zombies at a distance rather than disposing of them so as long as your repping something for the short range like a knife you will be doing ok.

Right after you have sorted out some sort of defense for yourself its time to check on the rest of people in your house/flat, this is where you have to be very careful as you don't know how the the zombie disease is being spread so unbeknown to you your flatmate/family could being either be in the process of zombification or may have already turned. This is point where you have to put any former emotions or post zombie morals you used to have behind you. This is a new dangerous world and your feeble morals have no place in it. Part with these feelings like you would part with a wad of cash on a cheap Croatian midget stripper, and if your anything like me you could part with that cash fairly quickly. Approach the rooms wherever your family/flamates reside and take a deep breath, you don't know what may be the other side. You have to be ready to plunge whatever weapon you have straight into their brain (The commonly acknowledged weak point of a zombie). It doesn't matter if its your mum or your girlfriend if the moment you walk into the room you see that they are no longer one of the living then kill them straight away. I know you may be asking how can I be sure if they have turned or not? Well honestly you can't but my advice is kill first and don't ask questions. The seconds you spend trying to decide whether they may or may not be a zombie could be the seconds in which they are on top of you chomping away at your genitals. Basically if they look sick, have any cuts or just look a little different to normal then you kill them straight away. I have no problem in killing anyone if it means that a don't get turned into a zombie, frankly sometimes I think it might just be safer to kill some people anyway as they would probably end up being zombies anyway. You know the sort of people who clearly have no chance of surviving in this new world. Fat slow people, stupid people, fat stupid people, rahs, rahs on horses (even though you would think the horse would be an advantage!), ravers, smackheads, people with really big feet. Well you get the idea the list could go on for a long time, actually thinking about it now maybe you should kill people you think probably end up getting bitten. Because lets face it your doing them a favor, at least if you kill them you can make it quick, rather than being bitten and ripped apart by zombies and then living out the rest of their 'lives' and a walking corpse, which in turns leaves another zombie out for your brain. Well I'll leave these details up to you, but always be ready to slash a throat or two.
For a change lets look on the positive side and assume that you discovered that your flatmates/family are still healthy humans, its now time to get the hell out of your house/flat!

Whatever the government might be saying, staying in your house is not a good idea. Unless you live out in the country, and as most people live in places where lots of people live/work then you will quickly understand that staying in your house would be very fucking stupid. Before you leave you have a few things to get in order, that being getting some supplies and decided if your gonna try and get a crew together. I'll start with provisions, For this initial dash your just gonna need essentials as once you have found somewhere to secure you can search for more supplies. So what you need is some tinned goods and water as they last a long time, your weapons and then also whatever medicines you have in your house/flat as you don't want to get ill on the road. Which leads me to a little side point, if any of your group gets ill your gonna have to weigh up whether to hold tight for a few days for them to recover or whether to leave them behind. As this first mission is the most important as its to find somewhere secure you don't want to be wasting time in one place looking out for someone ill. So I say if they can walk make them walk and if you HAVE to stop for them and stay put, don't stay in any one place longer than a day. Because you don't know how many zombies are n your trail or how many more are surrounding you. If after this day the ill member of your group still can't walk well then tough luck their getting left behind.

If you decide to go the route of having a crew with you, your going to have to weigh up the various advantages and disadvantages to group sizes. With a larger group of say 4 or more you have the problems of getting to these people in a zombie infested town and then after that you have the problems of feeding/keeping safe and housing all these people, and lets not forget that you will travel slower with a larger group. However the advantages are that with a bigger group your more likely to be able to fight off groups of zombies or just general crazies. Also with the added people you would be able to build a better defense outpost to hold out in. However what I would prefer would be a group of no more than four people, as with that number you can get about with more speed yet you still have a good number to fight in case your surrounded etc. One piece of advice which is important regardless of the group size is that you should be prepared to betray anyone in order to survive. For example say your surprised by a group of roaming zombies my first port of call would be to kick the person nearest to me as hard as possible in the ankles. By doing this I've given myself a good few more seconds to escape, these are the sorts of tricks you need to keep in mind. Once your a pro you can try and do it without them seeing which means that by the slim chance that they survive you don't have to go through the boring rigmarole of explaining why you kicked them.

Once you have decided on your companions and have packed up your supplies its time to make your escape, if you want to find out what to do and where to go you better tune in next time because lets face if you don't if the zombies attack your gonna be fucked. Until then always keep a crowbar handy and lets hope the zombies don't rise up before I part with the rest of my survival knowledge.

Alabama Black Snake

He says, She hears - Extended

2009-08-16T19:23:00.005+01:00

So I've witnessed some appalling attempts at opening lines to impress girls or just generally shameful chat up lines so with the help of I have compiled a list of shit chat up lines and what a girl hears when you say it.

I'm an artist - "I draw pictures of cats on napkins and get high off paint fumes in my shed"
"I like to think I'm creative, but my talent does not go beyond anime doodles"
"I wear a beret on weekends "

I'm in a band - "I don't have a job, just a crack addiction"
"I was rejected from ex factor"
"I cant physically play an instrument, but isn't m y haircut totally awesome"
"I have had a homosexual experience with my drummer"
"I'm inside Brian from Westlife as we speak"

This is what you should aspire to be like, Sergeant Crockett and Detective Tubbs. These type of men are gone from the world. They are slick, know how to dress well and have a straight up hair cut. There's nothing about it, it's just pure style and smoothness in one head of hair.

While working on your chat up lines maybe you should work on becoming an undercover policeman in Miami and reinventing your wardrobe to make it contain only cream colored suits with lilac t shirts underneath them. You know on weekends he's just going to add trainers to this ensemble and go find himself a woman.

Until you're like this you will fail with women.

You have the exact same personality as my sister - "You look like you'd have sex like my
sister does it"
"My sister is also my lover"
"My sister looks like a slag as well"
"My sister has schizophrenia"

I've seen you about loads - "I watch you from the bushes"
"I follow you to work "
"It's getting harder to follow you without a bus pass"
"I deliberately go to places in the hope that you'll notice me
staring at you with my hand down my pants"
"I've seen you on myspace"
"I've seen you on Googlemap"

How come someone as pretty as you is alone? - " You must have a psychiatric problem. I
like that."
"Maybe you have aids"
"This will make it easier for me to put
you in the trunk of my car"
"I want to take you to the beach and
make you sit on my coat"
"You must be desperate, therefore I'm
clearly in with a shot"

Can I walk you to the taxi rank? - "and into the taxi, into your house, and your bedroom? Do you need any help taking off that dress aswell?"
"Can i walk you into a dimly lit woodland area?"
"Taxi drivers have seen it all before"
"Sp you're taking me home yeah?

I wrote you a poem - "My mother had to help me find something to rhyme with 'vagina'"
"I wrote you a poem in my own blood"
"I carved it into my chest"
"I also carved your FACE into my chest"

This is another man who does not need to read this article. Not only is he a silver fox, he's also a highly paid, highly intelligent doctor. He manages to charm every woman he meets whilst doing general doctor tasks then in his time off he solves crimes with his equally successful son.

Do you save lives and solve murders? Do you charm every lady you meet whilst on a murder case which you are not truly involved with? Do you have a heart of gold which makes men, women, children and animals alike, love you? No, you don't. You sit at home on your computer going on girls Facebook pages and looking at everyone who talks to them in the vague hope that you might come up in conversation.

Get a grip, become a doctor, solve a murder, then talk to a woman.

Pony Robbins & Electro.Nic

The Twat Factor

2009-08-12T20:01:00.003+01:00

We need to find a massive twat.

I notice there's a beauty competition in some newspaper each year to find the best looking girl in the city. As the city is a 82.9% ratio of women with 'hatchet-face syndrome' the contestants of said competition tend to be girls with your typical perma tans, hair extentions and ''shot in the face with a paintball gun" make up.

I suppose if Chernobyll victims were your target audience, I guess they'd be quite good looking..

Anyway, making celebrities out of these ladies who have evidently been given makeovers by somebody with a very distinct hate for women isn't exactly on the agenda, but as part of official self-established Pancakes 'Twat Of The Year 2009' award, I am keen to make big names with my chosen contestants.

My first contestant, I can not name. I doubt he can read and if he can I doubt he has any legal power behind him to sue us...He goes by the invented moniker of which his prefferred genre of music is integrated into his imaginary name. Not even creative, for some bizarre reason his alias' name is even more dull than his regular name - so why should he be Twat Of The Year?

Because he 'has only one outfit'.

Unlike said 'twats' this article refers to, THIS man just screams sex.......anal sex.

Quite frankly there is something very disturbing, tragic and almost bittersweet about the kinds of men who still want to dress like Pete Doherty well into their 20's and 30's - anyone who wants to replicate the image of a skinny, sweaty average musician with a heroin addiction and green teeth isnt exactly your typical ladykiller - on second thought maybe he is -criminally insane is a term i shall use loosely. Yet this man, with his one really indie outfit, has captured the hearts of the under 18 girls in the region by storm.I suppose you've got to admire his skill of seduction - persuading young girls to 'show him round' the area.

I' d show him into a burning building, personally.

I also admire his countless photographic evidence of himself in the same outfit day in, day out. It's kind of like he's a cartoon character. Admittedly a cartoon character you'd find in some obscure Norwegian publication named 'Hoogastraten!' but a cartoon character all the same.I wonder if he just washes his outfit every night, fresh for tomorrows day of 'sex, drugs and rock'n'roll lolz' or whether he just has a wardrobe full of the same outfit, in which they all rotate on a rail by the push of a button.

So yeah, if you would like this contestant to be Pancakes Twat Of The Year 2009, please keep your eyes peeled for an animated gentlemen with bulging veins and a belt tied around his upper arm.If you'd like to submit a local twat, a celebrity twat or even yourself as a contestant, please be in touch

More twats coming your way.

The best bands that have never existed... - Extended

2009-08-08T19:09:00.008+01:00

So I've recently came to the belief that to really be the big cheese within any group of people you need to know of things that noone else knows. It doesn't matter what it is but having a seemingly endless knowledge of things that people have never heard of makes you seem better than them. I however have no time for such things. I like songs because they're catchy not because they're made by an albino child who uses the ribs of shrews to make the sound. So I have now decided to get up to speed without having to put any real effort in I will just invent bands. So this does work to a certain extent but you can't just make up a name, they need a back story, they need to be from somewhere, preferably somewhere obscure. Here are my four favorite made up bands so that next time you see me impressing people with my knowledge you will be able to back me up with a fun fact about them.

1.The Time Travelling Retro Whores – Despite the name none of this band are female but they sure do look it. They're a glam punk revival band who play all of their music exclusively on instruments that are made to look like guitars. Keytars are well known but have you ever heard of a drumtar or a xylotar. Like all good bands there is a message behind the lyrics. What is the message? Wear fur. It looks good and it feels good. Leopard print jeans are cool but how much cooler are they when they really used to be a leopard.

The Time Travelling Retro Whores are attributed to inventing the well known phrase 'Fuck endangered animals, save the endangered instrument.'

2.Lord Archer and the Dancehall Sluts – Quite a modern sound for a band that is made up exclusively by ex members of parliament. They play soulless indie pop with no real meaning behind the lyrics and no real talent on the instruments. Do they need either of these things? Well the rave reviews from their recent sell out tour of Lithuania say no. Sadly Lord Archer is no longer a member as he pursues his career with a more Nu Rave approach to the cheap joyless music which is indie pop.

3.Dorkstep – This is an artist but he has created a whole genre which uses the same name. It's very similar to dubstep but instead of the generic echoing quote to make it feel a bit more epic it has a quote from a famous Sci-fi film. For comic relief Dorkstep released a single under the name Paedostep which had echoing quotes from everyone's favourite convicted paedophiles. Nothing makes you donate more than hearing “Your mummy told me to pick you up from school” followed by a wobbling bass.

One of the main samples on the Paedostep single was that of everyones favorite murdering paedophile, Albert Fish

4.Alvin and the Chipmunks – No, it's not an album by the fantastic cartoon chipmunk band. Alvin is an artist who has been making waves within the modern music scene. Using samples of chipmunks being squeezed slightly too hard to produce the sound Alvin has managed to create a whole scene around his love of inflicting pain on rodents.

Pony Robbins

We're back

2009-08-05T01:57:00.003+01:00

Well it's been a while. Everyone got pretty busy over the past few months so haven't had time to produce everyones favorite little zine. However we now have lots of time so now this has happened.

It's getting distributed tomorrow so it'll be in Electrik Sheep, Native Skatestore and some bars around town. There'll also be a few people distributing it by hand here and there so you can't help but have one forced upon you.

One Flu Over The Cuckoos Nest..

2009-05-03T21:22:00.005+01:00

I am the most sickliest person EVER

Perfect timing as always, this week, I contracted a hideous cold from some horrid diseased person. Instead of staying quarantined in my house, I was forced to leave and endure stuffy public transportation. I'm not sure if this happens a lot and I've just never noticed before but people were giving me really strange looks. Instead of recieiving sympathetic glances people were actually moving away from me.

Confused, I did think to myself "Hmm maybe they think I look like a rapist?"
but I didn't feel like a rapist.. how many female rapists are there anyway?
Bemused, I carried on -feeling sorry for myself of course, making the odd whimper every few seconds.

After about five minutes I noticed that everytime I sneezed people would tense up and start whispering to eachother. One woman who was sitting across from me kept her eye on me as if I was going to fucking walk up and lick her or something. Thinking back I wish I'd went up to her and coughed right inside her eyelids. As soon as she saw me get up to exeunt le bus, she got up faster than me and made a dash for it. So I chased her down the street.

People are so paranoid. Other people are always the ones telling me that no, you can't catch AIDS from sitting on a bus. I may have just had hay fever, but no, OBVIOUSLY as I was both returning on the x63 from MEXICO, and am considered livestock - I had Swine Flu.
For fucks sake, I think its quite apparent that we arent all going to die. Although - my family were tragically wiped out by Bird Flu and SARS - oh wait, no they weren't. Swine Flu is the new Black (Death) - or isn't as the case may be, so I've had to paint over the red 'x' people have daubed on my front door.

Is it not just some clever guerilla marketing campaign trying to sell us Tamilflu and Lemsip? Or just something "the government" have concocted to distract us from the REAL issues like what happened to Darren Days hair?

All I know is, Miss Piggy is fucked.

The Trials and Tribulations of Pony Robbins.

2009-02-10T23:17:00.005Z

So as most people I have been going out to clubs for a drink and a dance. It's one of my favourite things to do. It got to about midnight and I was in my element. Dancing with such coordination I could well have been one of those Sony Robots. Well that's how I remember my dancing at least.

So all of the movement must have sped up my digestion because my dinner which I had only had minutes before rushing out of the house was ready to leave my body. Now this wasn't a worry. I knew where the toilets were and I knew that the club was one of those classy ones where people don't piss on the seats and there's a small amount of toilet paper.

So I get into the toilets and as I went to each cubicle I found them engaged or ones where the door didn't shut. I was getting frantic, I was sweating, from what I had seen this wasn't the sort of club which was down with defecation on the dancefloor. Luckily someone had noticed my frantic pacing trying to find a toilet which locked or was free. He approached me “You're pretty desperate aren't you. Don't worry, you go in and have it and I'll watch the door so noone disturbs you.” What a kind gentleman I thought. Now as I was about to pull the door closed he turned and said “If there's any left could you save me some?”

So now I was in the toilet and stuck wondering what the fuck was going on? Was he into poo? Are people into that? Was I really that behind the times? Did I want to be with the times if these were the times? Then suddenly it hit me. It's not really that usual to go for a dump in the toilets of a club. Most people went for a cheeky line. Now I'm personally not into that but I do get the general gist of it. So whilst I was sitting there I slid my wallet out from pocket and found my credit card. I then proceeded to tap it off the wall of the toilet. The guy outside obviously knew what was happening so had a quiet snigger to himself. Ironically I don't think he'd have felt as cool if he realised that the real scene was me sitting having a shit whilst pretending to cut a line of coke. As I finished I made a loud sniffing noise then left. After apologising to my new found toilet buddy for not saving him any poo I disappeared off into the night.

Pony Robbins

Buffday

2008-12-10T19:01:00.002Z

It has just occured to me that Pancakes is one year old this month.

That gives me an excuse to post this creepy picture

Is this man the best thing in Newcastle?

2008-11-29T18:22:00.003Z

This Christmas there is only one thing worth looking at in town and it's not Fenwicks window although it is very close by. It is this man.

I know he looks like he hasn't washed in years but do not be put off by this. He is the best street performance in Newcastle if not the UK. He constantly steps his game up. Some people claimed he'd never get past the fame of being the drunken tramp who eats pennies off the floor but in the same way that he has upgraded from a 2 litre bottle of cider to 3 litres of Frosty Jacks, he's also managed to step his show up.

I witnessed today a collaboration of him dancing whilst a man played slap bass. He lit a tab and danced in a circle whilst still including the old classics of eating coins from the floor but this time it wasn't just pennies. He was eating silvers and at one point I think I saw a £2 coin.

Now this guy is obviously making money to be able to survive and get pissed through out winter. Fair enough he'll be dead by spring but at least he probably won't be able to feel the cold as it freezes the sick into his beard in a lasting embrace. What pisses me off is that he gets moved on constantly. Every time I have seen him doing his thing he's been shut down by the police. Why is it? Apparently he's causing a disruption but how is he any different to those tits who put chains on themselves and see if they can get out. In fact how is he different to those tits who pretend to play music whilst dressed up as Native Americans? He's not different at all, except he has talent, if he put a fucking juggling baton down next to him and wore so stupid get up then he'd be left to his own devices.

I'm going to set up a club night where the main act will be him fucking killing it to some sick tunes.

2008-11-29T12:52:00.003Z

Question: Why do people keep asking me for hugs??

It seems that people have me mistaken with someone who enjoys such demeaning tasks. 'Hugging' friends and family is different, but being met by a stranger who asks "Can I have a hug?" will always result in the immediate answer of 'no', unless of course they decide to metaphorically rape you by placing their arms around you in a threatening fashion and mutters
"Give me a fuckin' hug or else!"

Perhaps more humiliating is a grown man asking you for a hug - I don't know the mechanics of such an odd request, whether this is some subtle adolescent attempt to ask you to have some sort of intercourse with them, or perhaps they really are a total woman...and want a hug.

I'm sorry, I do not give hugs on tap, nor period, so why don't these people jump the gun and instead of asking hugaphobics like myself, they should be asking the kinds of people who list 'hugs and cuddles' as general interests.

To put it bluntly, why don't you stop asking me for hugs and start asking yourself where on earth you have misplaced your own balls.

A List of people who shouldn't be allowed to vote

2008-11-19T23:58:00.001Z

Anyone who voted on X Factor.

Anyone who puts on their blog/myspace/facebook that “Choose Life” quote from Trainspotting or that Banksy 'list of people who should be shot'. I bet you all pray that people don't realise you didn't write them and think you're making a really deep statement but really you're just a fucking leech with no personality so need to steal someone elses creative ideas to make yourself look better.

People who talk really loudly on their phones on public transport then declare that “this guy's just like staring at me”. I'm staring at you because you are a loud mouthed wanker who is lacking the intelligence to say politely to your friend “I'll call you back I'm on the bus” or if you really want to talk maybe you could be a bit quieter so I don't have to turn my music on full just to avoid you informing your mate that you pulled last night. Give it up, you're not convincing us and you're not convincing yourself. You didn't pull, you sat at the end of the bar watching this girl who looked over then in your head thought “She's totally checking me out” when in reality she is just getting a good look at your face incase she needs to identify a rapist the next day.

People who take myspace photos. I don't mean just photos, I mean “Myspace” photos. You sit their trying to get that look just right and the reaction you get is your friends saying “OMG those snakebites really do make you look so totally hardcore!” Just to be clear, they don't. We all see your photos and think you look like a slag with a stupid haircut. I don't even get it, why do you take them? It must be to attract boys but surely when they turn up to take you to McDonalds and buy you some small fries do they not realise you look nothing like you do on the Internet? You're perfectly photoshopped skin sadly resembles the surface of the moon. That hair which try oh so hard to make look perfect on the photo now resembles a dead crow. Seriously, do one.

People who take their jobs to seriously. If you work for very little money and don't do it fulltime you cannot speak down to me about not having a job. You work in a shit bar/shop/restaurant/cafe and think you can preach to me about not being mature. I have more productive days than you do in your shitty little job and guess what I don't have to wear an awful waistcoat.

People who write shit graffiti. I don't mean real graffiti as I'm not knowledgable enough on the subject of real writing to have a real opinion. I mean toilet graffiti. I love it, I love thinking about the mindset that caused someone to scrawl on a wall in Gateshead “Australia is not real”. I really enjoy the dialogues you get, where someone has answered someone and it ends up in an argument which progresses over the weeks. What I do not like is the shit graffiti which is usually found in more bohemian bars. I do not want to read a poem about a girl you love, in fact that is the last thing I want to read whilst pissing on my shoes through sheer confusion about why you have decided to write that. What annoys me even more is that people have taken the time to reply to you, giving you helpful hints about what you should do.

People who are pro or anti anything. Why do you think we care? I hate people who are pro drugs as much as I hate people who are anti drugs. It annoys me that throughout life you get told “Don't give into peer pressure”, let's be honest, if you really weren't giving into peer pressure you'd form an opinion of whatever it is you apparently should or shouldn't do by yourself.

People who are creeps. I hate creeps, people who stalk girls around clubs. Girls who steal items of clothing like your hat in an attempt to get you to dance with them. If I wanted to dance with you I would have came over and if my friend wanted to kiss you she would not be running away. It annoys me that you then probably go home and talk about this girl totally wanted me or there was this proper prick at the club tonight.

Lots of pretty illustrations to be added to this and other articles

Announcment

2008-11-15T23:36:00.002Z

So everything in each months Pancakes is put up onto the blog after it's released but some of the articles are longer or have bits which couldn't fit to our A6 limitations.

We are not aquaintances

2008-11-15T23:33:00.000Z

I don't know you and you don't know me. I'd like to make that clear because I really mean it, you don't know me. You know of me through association but I do not consider this enough for you to know me. It annoys me when I hear stories that have included you making a judgement of me because I don't really know where you could have gained that opinion as I have went out of my way to distance myself from you. It angers me when I turn up at a party and you are there. It makes me wish to gouge out my eyes when I realise that you are bringing a friend over to introduce to me because for some reason you think that I would want to know someone you are friends with. I'll be totally honest I don't. If they are anything like you then I would rather get hourly prostate exams from a porcupine.

You probably find it frustrating when I ignore you to the point that I have literally developed a talent to see through you. I imagine this is a similar talent to that of all of your previous lovers. I'm going to be honest I find it frustrating when I am clearly trying to read a book or listen to music on the bus when you decide to go out of your way to make sure I realise you are on the bus by tapping me on the shoulder or pulling my headphones out altogether. Don't worry I do realise that when you are visiting your poor boyfriend that you get the same bus as me, I dread these encounters. Everytime I get on the bus and see you already on it my heart literally stops in the fear that there might not be any seats and I will be forced to do the walk of shame and sit next to you.

I sometimes worry that in me refusing to acknowledge you I am missing out on something big. I mean you are going out with a friend of mine but let's be honest you're also going out with a lot of other peoples friends.

I love that when ever one of you turns up in someones life that person suddenly becomes a social pariah. It's not because we stop liking them all of a sudden, it's because we dread them coming to the pub and bringing you so that we can spend the next 3 hours getting drunk to the monologue of your day at work and why the photocopier was doing the colours wrong all day.

What depresses me is that everything I love gets destroyed by you. Any band which I hear will instantly be ruined for me by you declaring your love of this song which featured on your favourite American teen drama. Any actor I enjoy will become the thing of nightmares for me as soon as he features in your hero section on Myspace with a glittery lettering declaring him fit.

The thing which angers me the most about you is when you attempt to give me advice on my lifestyle. First off I don't live a kind of lifestyle that requires judgement. I don't have any need of your advice as you work 9-5 in an office with no chance of promotion and are one of those sad tryhards who wishes they were one of the well known girls in their social circle but in reality you're just one of the background faces. You're that girl who's always in photos and people always go “Who's she?”, in fact that's not even true, you're the girl who always takes the photos and then ask “who's he?” as you march back to the table which you're mates are sitting wide eyed and gasping that you know those really cool girls. If you were to be given a name in the credits of life you would be 'Plain girl #3'.

Mary Whitehouse

2008-11-13T23:43:00.003Z

Here's an interesting 'x-rated' movie made PG by the fantastic wizardry of something on the 'PaintShopPro' borderline.

I'm sure you will find it amusing as I did

GLICK

Finally released

2008-11-12T17:51:00.003Z

Ok so it's late but we've finally got this Pancakes finished and now it's going to be released from the 10th to the 15th of every month so we can do this one justice.

You can get it for free from Electrik Sheep, Native Skatestore, The Head Of Steam, The Fourth and anywhere we end up on a night out and feel like leaving them.

Also if you're interested in getting one sent to you or a batch sent to you just leave a comment on here or if you know any of us personally just give us a call.

Late

2008-11-11T22:59:00.003Z

So Pancakes should have been out today but there was a slight printing problem so it's been knocked back to tomorrow. From now on it'll come out around the middle of the month just so we can keep it to once a month and give each one a decent amount of time.

We've changed a few things, a few people write for us now, we have more illustrations in it and from now on there's gonna be an artist profile in each issue with a colour inset with some of their work on it.

Things that are not cool

2008-11-11T20:47:00.005Z

Feel free to add your own

- Leaky Batteries. I risked life and limb today discovery some grossly furry batteries lurking in my cuboard. Had I not realised the deady toxic fuzz, and small civilisation slowly seeping out of the end, there'd be a hole in my hand as big as Leicester by now.

Hazard Signs like this one are used for a reason. This one kindly warns people 'no pointing at monkey'

- Abstract conversation. My stories may be crap and feature many anti-climaxes...but at least they have an end. If you are lucky, you will realise that there are people who can not only fail to communicate the story through their bad verbal dialogue, grammar and spelling but even worse, seem to start the story right bang in the middle, trying to sum up a situation you have no grasp on whatsover. The conversation seems to revolve around lucid entities - people you have never heard of and from what you can vaguely understand they have said/done something somewhat significant, yet you don't know what, you don't know why and suddenly you find yourself wondering if you are actually watching an episode of Twin Peaks.

- It's official, Kings Of Leon are now uncool. I say this begrudgingly to those of you who have a small place in your heart for them, but loads of freaks like them now. Even spice boys. And that's when you know it's dead.

(Appologies to the Kings Of Leon and their fans, as I really like Leon, he's a nice man)

2008-10-31T16:18:00.003Z

Happy Halloween

Seven Lies that will save your life

2008-10-23T21:37:00.011+01:00

It's happened to all of us.
You're sitting on the bus, it'a late, there's nobody else but you, a bearded guy and a little old lady. You're driving through a rough part of town. You stop. And either a dangerous looking angsty chav girl gets on - her greasy fringe shimmering in the artificial light, her frostbite blue eyeshaddow complimenting her terracotta chemical mask, or there's a tracksuit clad young man at the back trying to burn his name into the back of a seat, whilst playing incessantly obnoxious 'music' on his (stolen) mobile phone.

And for some reason, your mind wanders, resulting in your eyes glazing over, your mouth hanging open - maybe a little bit of drool wanders its way out of the corner. And thus you find yourself absent mindedly (and gormlessly) staring at said subjects.

Remember when you were a kid and your teachers used to say "Don't look directly into the sun or you'll go blind"? Well staring at these sorts of people, right up there with staring at people who are "effing crazy", incredibly drunk and/or secret serial killers, is like staring into a nuclear explosion just before the point of detonation.

I mean lets face it - nothing is more entertaining than watching a human car crash -it's like this sick depraved impulse we get to stare when someone has collapsed in the street and is being surrounded by Paramedics - but this fatal error could cost you your life.

Suddenly you are rudely awoken to concious reality when one of these frustrated youths, realising you are "staring" at/through/near them will turn to you and say something along the lines of "Have you got a staring problem?"

No actually, you just happened to be in my eyeline. My medical problems are none of your concern thankyou. I don't ask if the reason you're face looks like Braille version of the Oxford English Dictionary is a result of dermatitis, I don't ask if the way you talk is a result of a Stroke, I don't ask if the reason you keep tugging at your crotch through your tracksuit bottoms is because you have genital lice, and I don't ask if your case of 'pink eye' is actually due to conjunctivitis.
I don't ask, because I'm not rude.

Some might say it's rude to stare - but I wasnt staring at YOU, I was staring and thinking about what I would like for tea and wondering if ghosts change their clothes..

However, there is a way to save yourself from wearing your colon on your face. By simply putting one of these seven deceptive methods of escape into practice you can worm your way out of a severe 'ass-whooping' on the Public Transportation System

1) Quickly avert your eyes, then start looking around frantically. A) Because maybe if you fidget a bit, mutter to yourself and slobber it will make you look like some sort of insane person, and no one wants to go near someone who is insane
B) The enemy will just simply think you are vacantly looking round/have a coronorary disease

2) Stare at them harder, and then smile and say
"Are you {insert random name here - it could be a scary charver you know or a completely made up name that may register some false recognition..like 'Chelsea'..]'s cousin/friend/brother/sister? You look just like them! I'm sure I've met you before!".
Said crazy person will respond by pretending to know this person -as of course, all charvers know every other charver due to their time spent together in Juvinille Prison - then perhaps you can fabricate a tale that you were one night at a 'rave' and that you are related to someone else they might/don't know but think they do. And thus A common ground of idiocy and bonding will help you escape the clutches of death.

3) Grin and compliment the creature.
"Wow you're expensive looking 15 ich wide earrings, are like, soooo nice, where did you get them? Wow I want a pair"
OR
"Wow, you have a REAL Henri LLoyd sweater, that must have cost a lot - what are these red stains on it? They really make it look individual and dead fashionable - you should be superstar MC.."
Like I say, Lie like you've never lied before. Lie till your eyeballs bleed.

4) "Im sorry I was just staring at that thing out the window, it was like a huuuuge ape with red eyes. [Fifteen points if subject realises you are talking about them..20 points if you can call 999 before they rip off your arm and beat you with it] It was really scary, it just vanished when you turned around, look see if you can see it!"
[Exeunt bus]

5) "What? WHo said that? Sorry, it's hard for me to stare..[trail off sadly]..I'm blind"

6) Start screaming that you have foreseen the future and that the bus is going to crash. Then demand everyone must get off the bus. When they refuse, get off and wait for the next one. Hopefully there won't be any lunatics on that one....apart from you of course..

7) "You've got something on your chin.."

Please note: Only attempt the last one if you are an extremely fast/stealthy runner.
If all else fails, most busses have emergency exits..

Meat n Murder

2008-09-14T00:09:00.001+01:00

So my brother has just returned from his holiday to America and like all good holiday makers he bought me a present. Now this isn't just any present, it is THE present. I will never receive a gift so well thought out or as superb as this. He bought me a real fur racoon hat similar to the ones you see in pictures of the founding Americans.

See I thought everyone would like my hat but apparently not, it has caused quite a stir with some people. 'That's part of an animal' is my favorite retort to me wearing it, I kindly pointed out as are your leather shoes and leather jacket and I do realise it is part of an animal hence why it is probably the best thing I will ever own.

It annoys me, people are so hypocritical, how is me wearing a racoon hat so different to you wearing leather. “Well I eat beef so I use all of the cow”, that's good, but my brother in fact ate a racoon steak in America so surely this is a guilt free hat. Do you definetely know the cow you ate was used to make your shoes? No, you don't in fact the cow you ate probably wasn't, it was probably thrown a way. I cannot stand you people, get a grip, it is a racoon, it is not a big deal. If you eat meat, you cannot tell me that my hat is offensive because in the same way I could claim your shoes to be offensive or that shit leather jacket you got from TK MAXX to be offensive or in fact the wallet from which you took your six pounds to pay for said shit jacket.

Vegetarians get off with it. If you don't eat meat then I don't mind. You're taking a stand, i'm however not going to accept it if you wear leather. You are exactly the same as me if you are a vegetarian and still wear leather. You need to look at what your saying to me about how it's unfair killing a racoon for the fur and wasting the rest when you are killing a cow and not using the rest, A cow is a large animal as well with all of that meat you wasted we could have fed starving people or I could have had a larger steak for dinner.

Vegans, you're all fine. I respect you, I dislike you when you tell me i'm wrong because being wrong is a very subjective thing. In your view I am morally wrong for wearing the fur of a dead animal on my head but in my view I am morally right as my friend who moved to america had his dog mauled by an angry racoon and this is my retaliation to it and it's kind.

I can respect your opinions if you respect mine, i'm not going to come out with one of those shit quotes “I'm going to eat twice as many animals to make up for you” because i'm not as I am happy with the amount of meat in take I have so I would be grateful if you don't inform me that my hat is wrong when clearly it can't be wrong when it feels this right.

Rolan Deep

Freak Tragedy

2008-09-08T14:56:00.008+01:00

X Factor Sob Stories

Every year, a huge chain of reality TV shows crawl their way up the unattended anal cavities of the television studios, slip past the radar of integrity and air on our screens.

If it's not Britain’s Got Talent, it's Britain’s Next Top Model, or Britains Headless Beauty Of The Year. And if it's not Britains, it's America's or Canada's or Yemen‘s. When they aren't looking for someone to play Nancy in Oliver Twist, they're looking for someone to play Tony Montana in a primary school production of Scarface.

Show, after show, after show of celebrities waxing each others pubic hair, rich kids living on rations among Icelandic hobo's, and single mothers pretending to be entrepreneurs to land a husband whose only claim to fame is his criminal record.

The worst, and mother of them all is no longer Big Brother. Those days have gone..

No, the worst offender, is X Factor.

The headlines have become dominated by pictures of Simon Cowell in swim shorts seducing “a mystery hot blonde“, with reports of cat fights between Danni Minogue and Cheryl Cole over Simon Cowell in his swimming shorts and his “hot blonde“. Then there was that Holly Willoughby exposing a drug raid on ‘Ant and Dec‘s Saturday Night Takeaway‘ (may not be true)
We've seen it all!

Back in the days of yore, we all used to cherish gathering round by the light of the television during that 7.30 p.m time slot where we could watch no hopers, deluded untalented individuals and random members of the public attempting to dance whilst belting out Neil Diamonds 'Sweet Carolina'.

Now it is nothing but a mass tear fest as each person comes in, eyes welling up with emotion, telling the nation of their dead dog, their adopted parents and their messy divorces.Please, save it for your social workers.Because this simply cannot be true. I'm not entirely sure everyone’s dying relatives dying wish was for you to go on X Factor to be exploited and humiliated on ITV, for the sheer entertainment of the mass audiences in order to create a semi-talented boring ’celebrity’ that will disappear 12 months down the line, (because after all, who wouldn’t want that!?)

The trend has caught on.America's Next Top Model recently boasted a girl who had to use her mother as a life raft . Oh, and the blind girl.
Then there was that horrific and politically incorrect embrace of the "sob story" via 'Britains Missing Top Model' filled with sad tales of amputated limbs leading us to gawp at these unfortunate young women like some sort of freak show.

That’s the kind of thing to cause collective sobbing.

But I'm sorry, I don't want to feel sympathy for people who can't sing - I want to laugh at them. As crude and sadistic as that is, I enjoy watching 45 year old Bill from Croydon attempting to imitate Daniel Bedingfield, and the look of horror and glee spreading across Simon Cowells face as his thought process of 'what the fuck?' becomes all too apparent.

FAQ

2008-09-08T00:07:00.004+01:00

Why is the writing in the zine so small?
Because we don't want you to read it.

You insulted (insert person/thing/place), why do you hate (them/it/there)?
Because of every reason we stated in the article. If you disagree with our opinion then make a poorly made zine like ours and write about it.

How do you choose the photo for the front?
We sit down and discuss what we want our cover to give to you the reader. We make mind maps and draw diagrams so we can get the best cover. Then we get bored, watch TV then search a name into Google at the last minute and find the one which we like the most.

I am (insert stereotype) and I don't (insert activity associated with stereotype)
You're lying to us and yourself. You definitely do.

Why do you all hide behind fake names to insult things?
Because it's a lot of fun making them up and we don't like the idea of our names being attributed to a zine which annoys people and is distributed widely.

You act all clever but you failed to notice that you spelt (insert word) wrong.
You're right, we didn't notice. Now that we have noticed, we don't really care.

Why don't you get the zine printed properly?
Because it would require us to find a printer and to directly pay money out of our pockets. Printing on a printer at home makes it feel like it's all for free.

You said (insert statement) in (insert issue) but then contradicted yourselves in (insert issue), what's up with that?
We like to keep you on your toes for a sudden change of opinion so constantly change our minds.

Have you ever thought that you might in fact annoy other people but they manage to avoid inflicting their anger onto other people?
We do in fact annoy other people, we have annoyed you and you've now informed us of how we annoy you, therefore we will redirect your question back to you.

How many people actually write Pancakes?
It varies from 1 monkey with a typewriter to 1000 monkeys with typewriters.

Why do you not always put Pancakes out each month?
Given an infinite amount of time a monkey with a typewriter could write the works of Shakespeare. This also happens with Pancakes but due to it being considerably shorter we do manage to get issues out more regularly, sadly the continuity is a bit disjointed.

Do you actually think you're funny?
Yes.

Do you like anything?
Yes but would you enjoy reading an A6 zine on everything we love? If so you probably should stop reading Pancakes.

If you have any queries please look on this FAQ, if it's not answered here, the answer will almost definitely be, do one. If you actually have a valid question please email us at freshestpancakes@googlemail.com

Leeds Festival

2008-08-25T23:39:00.001+01:00

So i went to Leeds festival, it was alright, some would go as far as to say it was fun.

I did a bit of research for a paper i would publish if i knew how you published papers, here are my findings.

1. Festivals attract three types of people - Me, hippies and lads on tour.

2. Mud has phases - Depressing phase, Make the most of it phase, Enjoying it phase, fall over phase, realise that any enjoyment was denial that you dislike mud phase and then finally complete acceptance and possibly enjoyment of mud phase.

3. All attractive girls lose any desireability when they walk to the toilet with toilet roll.

Also anyone reading this who i gave a zine out to....The Wombats didn't cancel. Don't believe everything you read.

Rolan Deep

Stereotyping for the modern world

2008-08-19T20:00:00.004+01:00

One thing I've noticed over the years is that there is a certain group of stereotypes that arise in my day to day habits. Not the usual stereotypes you expect to see but still a very defined group none the less.

The first one is Quirksters, these are your bog standard quirky students. They come in two types.
The classic Indie quirkster, they won't like that type of music but they do dress very similar. Drainpipes, brogues, waist coats, possibly some sort of scarf and they will own a beret even if they claim it was only for a fancy dress party. They will most likely dislike everything you like, like anything they think they shouldn't and refer to liking things which you do like as only enjoyable in an ironic way. A useless pair of glasses are essential because even if you aren't short sighted it'd be ironic if you were, right? These people are bearable at best but are deep down a dick who you shouldn't bother trying to impress, it's useless, if you really want them to like you, dislike them.

The second type of Quirkster is the not so well known but much more lovable: Hippie quirkster. They are very harmless and enjoy being no bother to people. They like to set up collectives and just generally hang out in parks, relaxing and being no problem to anyone. If you meet one greet them in a friendly manner, they're most likely going to be enjoyable to spend a little time and will probably have a few fun stories involving ridiculous situations you would never get into.

Our next stereotype is Cunts, we've all seen them and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, we all hate them. They frequent every single crap bar nationwide. They wear tee shirts that are disgustingly tight which help show off their muscles which they build up by spending every moment of the day in the gym with lots of other similar dressed men doing exactly the same. The irony is the people who do this are in fact utter homophobes but sadly have exactly the same haircut as a large amount of butch lesbians. One of the other reasons they spend so much time in the gym is because not only do they to spend even more time with sweaty men is that they also provide tanning beds so they can become a fantastic orange colour. You may have noticed that I have been referring to all of this stereotype as male. this is because the female of this word is slag. All in all it would be rude to tar all of cunt kind with the same brush but in all honesty I have no problem doing that, don't go out of your way to meet one as you will witness disgusting opinions and statements which border on clinically retarded.

So far I have only described obvious stereotypes, the pigeons of stereotypes if you will. The next two stereotypes aren't as easy to find, you need to look a bit harder but it's worth it.

The first of these two golden eagle's of the stereotype world is the uncomfortable academic. They are often seen to be rushing seemingly from opposite ends of the city constantly through out the day with their hair slowly becoming more and more sweaty as their glasses slip down their noses causing them to stop and usually drop some notes which will bluster away. They will look utterly terrified when approached by anyone and are out of breath constantly during the conversation. When drunk they become more self confident which is a hugely negative thing, rather than becoming a normal member of society they will take off their tie, take off their leather patch tweed jacket and proceed to insult you for your beliefs and general intelligence. To make sure your academic is an uncomfortable academic you need to break into his home, imagine you're in that distinctly average TV show House. Now make sure you go to their study or in the case of a lot of them their room in their parents house. The classic sign of the uncomfortable academic is the clichéd mugs, the cartoon character figures still in the packaging and the classic t-shirts with angry quotes on them saying stuff such as “Did I see you on youtube?” and the old favourite “Scream, If you love tourettes!” These are all obvious clues to the subject being an uncomfortable academic.

Our second rare siting is the complete oddball. I'm not talking about strange tramps who ask for money, I'm talking about fully flared weirdos, the ones who believe they are a member of royalty or an alien. You know the type, you see them from down the street and instantly you want to follow them for comic value. The type who are having a full fledged conversation with themselves or trying to enter the metro through the window. The type who have invented their own variation of the term crazy. The ones who come into a bar and stroke a chair then leave. The ones who ask you if you know about 'him' and then look about shiftily before informing you it's not safe to talk in public and they will find you at the correct time before moving about five metres away before returning and having exactly the same conversation. These people have lost all sense of reality and range from being totally safe like a dog that has no legs to being a threat to your well being like that of a sea lion that has an appetite for human flesh. They can flick between two personas at once and can become increasingly agitated verging on violent when you don't understand the danger they perceive themselves to be in from the deranged Duke of Herming. The best idea is to follow them from a safe distance and to avoid real contact, who knows what they keep underneath their dirty jackets, it could be the crown jewels or it could be a city pigeon they have caught and trained through hours of therapy to attack upon the cry of 'sandwich'. When in contact with one take them seriously and meet any demands they make when reasonable, do not confuse them with tramps who often play on this weakness in the general public and try to exploit it in exchange for money, cigarettes and a cheeky handjob in the downstairs toilet of the pub they've ventured into.

Now that you know all of the different stereotypes you can become a fully fledged city watcher, make yourself a small booklet and make a tally of each stereotype you see. Don't worry it's purely for educational purposes because with the right amount of rotten milk left on the streets we may see an increase in the amount of Oddballs we see and hopefully a steady decrease in the amount of cunts.

Rolan Deep

The REAL Marriott.

2008-08-09T22:48:00.004+01:00

So i have no money and strangely enough spending all my time making a small paper zine full of opinions doesn't improve this so i'm now conciously searching for a job. Well recently i discovered i don't even have to leave the house, you can do it on the internet. No need to waste paper printing out CVs which get laughed at then thrown out, i can do it all digitally. Genius, what will they think of next.

Well anyway, i've applied loads of places and it's just like real life, you wait for ages and then finally they send you an email saying "At the moment we don't feel you are right for this position but we hope that you apply again with more success in the future." Fuck off, you're just glad you don't have a kid with long hair and little motivation working for you.
One thing which annoys me is when you apply online but they send you a letter back, it's kind of like you've been down graded from digital. Like they don't want your email address in their contact list in case some how they accidently send an email inviting you to a party and then you'll attend and bring the class down. Do me some justice, if i manage to send an email you can too. It's nice to have an email to open which isn't from Facebook telling me that someone bit me with their vampire. It was fun when i first got it, not anymore.

Anyway so on the Marriott website i was requested to fill out an equal oppurtunities questionaire at the end. Fair enough but i couldn't really be arsed as their whole website is a fucking shambles. You're nearly finished press back and you have to go through all of the specifying again to find the right fucking hotel. So i was doing this questionaire when all of a sudden i'm asked "Where are you from?" as i click on the drop down menu on the Northern Ireland one there is an extra menu which i took the libert of print screening for you.

Dear lord, i mean yes Catholic and Protestant may be the main religions in Northern Ireland but they aren't the only ones. I couldn't believe it, do some fucking research before you decide to pidgeon-hole every single Northern Irelander. I was shocked to find there was another drop menu where it asked you which extremist group to you belong to, with the only answer being The REAL IRA. None of that fake IRA who just do kids parties.

The thing which is most annoying about this is that this is on an equal rights questionaire thing and you've stereotyped a whole country.

Congratulations, i look forward to hearing from you Marriott.

Rolan Deep

Don't

2008-08-09T21:34:00.003+01:00

Just going to put it out there but if you don't have the decency to invite me out then don't call me at three in the morning expecting sympathy. My sleep pattern is not something i like being disturbed just to be told 'tonight was shit', yeah cos sitting alternating between watching porn and The Jungle Book is an absalute hoot. The only difference is I just get the disapointing feeling where you realise that porn really has lost all of it's thrills rather than a broken nose like you.

Barecuts

2008-08-06T17:35:00.004+01:00

Click to enlarge

Fantastically drawn comics in the next Pancakes!?! Who knows.

Rolan Deep

It's out.

2008-08-03T20:55:00.002+01:00

So Pancakes is out and about. Try and find it, by try i mean go to anywhere which we put it in and take it.

It's usually in Native Skatestore, Electrik Sheep, Head of Steam, The Fourth and The Trent. Other places as well but that just depends on whether i have some with me when i pass through.

Rolan Deep

I Like Your Sleeves....They're Real Big..

2008-07-30T20:02:00.007+01:00

The fine line between Romance and Stalking/Sexual Harrassment
Part One

It’s been six months since Valentines Day - I’m sure you’ve all noticed but the summer seems to be the time when people fuck wittedly chase after each other hoping to ‘get them some skirt’ only to quarrel and break up 2 months down the line due to “ DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME TO TIDY MY ROOM!” type arguments.

.. It must be the humidity…

They say the course of true love never runs smoothly but let me tell you, grand romantic gestures to win over a loved one are often indicators than sooner or later you will end up in a burlap bag by a riverside with mysterious wounds seemingly made by a suspicious object … like a bicycle pump or a hand whisk..

I’ve seen the truth - and it is UG-LEE
What might seem to you like an innocent ‘hiding in the bushes taking pictures of the object of your affection (wow it's just like being a real photographer! - not.)is actually an illegal SICK PERVERTED crime against humanity and Kodak. In fact, Jesus told his disciples that God kills a kitten every time you press that capture button and say to yourself, in a sweaty mumbling voice ‘come ooooon just one more..’ -next thing you know you're standing there in your overcoat , turtle neck with your teenage facial hair, pants around ankles and a crotch afflame with desire, being chased a troup of angry villagers with cattle prods. In fact, in the days of yore, camera users were crucified (true historical fact)or eaten..

The only thing worse than a love sick man who lives in his mothers basement lusting over Buffy the Vampire Slayer and his senior citizen neighbour, is a lovesick man who is also a furry.

These disturbed people think this kind of thing is perfectly sweet and normal. If the man (or even woman) decides to dress up as an ‘adorable squirrel’ to sing Phil Collins songs to you in your workplace/educational institution/street/bathroom needs to be dealt with like as if a rabid animal is in fact on the loose. What you need is a shotgun, a tazer and a pack of rabid grey hounds with rabies that have made them go SO crazy and deranged they've started humping electric fences.

Capitalist, Conformist and Delicious

2008-07-30T01:26:00.002+01:00

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2008-07-28T21:22:00.005+01:00

What's the bet that the top two most popular costumes this Halloween will be:

Gotham City's number one criminal
1) The Joker

and

America's number one hero
2) Barack Obama

Which one will our eyeballs be plagued with more?

"Hey Hilary, Why so serious?"

The Horror....the horror

2008-07-28T15:02:00.019+01:00

Marlon Brando knows it

The world is going to end in 2012. December 18th.

Internet geeks are taking time out of their busy schedules of searching for anime porn (see 4chan) and instead are getting their (stolen) sisters frilly knickers in a twist because some crazies (most likely to be scientologists, vegetarians, anemics, south americans) have announced over a variety of forums, internet blogs and 'survival' websites that we are all going to meet our ultimate fate in four years time in the form of the Apocolypse.

This is because some 'Ancient Mayan Calender' runs out in 2012 and as always, someone has assumed this means we're all going to die. At least with half the population of the earth destroyed it means all the annoying people have a defentively good chance of being omitted from the human race without our assistance - guilt free!

Search '2012' in Google and face the many theories ranging from Nostradamus predicting Judegement Day (the man may be able to predict this weeks television schedue accurately, but the man is hella VAGUE when it comes to birthdays) to some blokes that made a plane doing some shitty maths calculations and think it mean we're all going to die when 4 is divided by the square route of a million. Then of course, token random 'acclaimed authors' telling us to 'build pyramids to shelter us from cosmic rays'.

Hurray.

I for one, have considered it. Apparently unless you are one of the 'Indigo Children' (search it..) you will face the most horrible death imaginable as a mass prediction of theories on 'how its going to end' are uttered by the kind of technology users that live in their parents basement. Some individuals, who i imagine will resemble the Polyphonic Spree think all its going to be is some spiritual awakening that will make us all see what polluting, evil murderous arseholes we all are. In fact, I killed a whale yesterday because I thought it was a nuclear submarine, so they speaking the truth.

Here's some of the 'theories' on just what MAY happen to alter the course of human existance
*WARNING* Some may have been altered for entertainment purposes.

1) A big asteroid is going to wipe us all out. No shit. Our only hope is to send Bruce Willis into space to stop the catastrophe with some other actors no one cares about
<----------------
and thus saving us all. Unfortunately Bruce fails and we all die due to our internal organs seeping out of our ears in a murderous death of decibels as every stereo on the planet blasts Aerosmith's cackfest 'I don't wanna miss a thing' to cover up the fiery rain of deadly CO2 and molten rock pouring down from the heavens in an explosion more powerful than a thousand nuclear bombs that rips through the globe so each of us blows away in the wind... like ashes from an urn...

2) A Nuclear war will finally break out causing a mass mutation in genetics. This will have a devastating effect on humanity and the atmosphere around us as the world as we know it is reduced to radioactive dust. The remaining inhabitants will be divided into flesh eating zombies, Mad Max type tribes and will also cause a special league of children to form governed by Patrick Stewart, who is now cripped in a wheelchair but has amazing telekinetic powers. Although he will train the genetically modified children to use their powers for good use to save the world, one of them will be useless and that'll be this one guy with shitty glasses that shoots laser shit out of his eyes. ------->

And then Gambit will be written out of the history books, causing a millenia of poverty and despair. Harrison Ford will survive by hiding in a fridge.

3) The sun will reach a climax of fiery blardy blah that will cause it to create giant solar storms that will burn and destroy the earth causing catastrophe, killing millions. As the protective ozone layer dissapears due to the powerful electromagnetic force, the earth will spin and it's poles shall be reversed, causing chaos and the planet to begin spinning in reverse of it's current axis. The North will be the south and south will become the North. Unfortunately the only people who survive are the entire population of Liverpool and George W. Bush. Truly cataclysmic.

4) Some believe that thousands of years ago extraterrestrials visited our planet and warned the Mayans that human civilisation on earth will end. They created a callender to count down to Doomsday- which is said to be the date the extraterrestrials will return. Of course when they do, they enslave and destroy us all. The world shall be ruled by apes and one lone female who will re-ignite interest in cheap '90's pornography learning more and more each day.

Here is an artists impression

Thing's that make you look stupid, Part 1

2008-07-16T21:51:00.007+01:00

#1 Having too many piercings shoved through various 'flappy bits' in your face. Especially around the mouth - as if a person does not have one too many orophosis already. Does one really need three nose studs, five lip rings, a few bolts through their cheeks, the helm of a naval arms ship from the late 1740's and a chain running from earlobe to eyelid? It's no longer the 18th century - Freakshows have been outlawed - THERE IS NO PLACE LEFT IN THE WORLD FOR YOUR KIND

#2 Sweat pants. It suggests that your genitals have some sort of issue with restriction and need ventilation. It also tells us that the sweat of your ass must be asorbed into thick, cheap matierial in order for you to retain a normal daily routine.

#3 Tapping/Nodding/Singing/"Drumming" along to 'funky tunes' on the television, radio, cinema screen, your personal music device etc. In a club or bar we can accept that every one will be doing it, and because the majority of people are boozed up, will not notice. At a gig, you can be forgiven as the artist in question may be insulted if they glance off stage and see you standing there with a sourpuss look on your face, with your £5.80 plastic cup of beer trying to press your groin up against some girl in front of you.. But Anywhere else is a felony.

I know how it happens. You get that little voice in your head that says "oh wow David Bowie/The Who/The Clash/some-other-band-pissy-little-indie-kids-listen-to-whilst-they-suck-eachother-off are on. I MUST express that I know/like this song and band by nodding and singing along just to represent how damn cool I must be. They will all be impressed and tell me I sound JUST like (insert deceased musician here) and ask me where I got my jacket from - oh how I love myself, I think i'm going to swish my hair about and flamboyantly leap out of the room like a gazelle - I'm just like Russell Brand, and I have sex with my close relatives lalalala"
Well stop thinking immediatly. It's demons talking. What you need is some kind of expierienced authentic voodoo witch doctor to slap "that crazy evil devil shit right outta you boy!"

"Could you turn your head and cough please?"

2008-07-15T23:46:00.008+01:00

I hate online doctor.

Everytime you search a 'symptom' another highly serious, nasty, unpleasant, contagious, incurable, fatal and terminal illness pops up thus causing you to descend into a flustered panic that you're going to die and must contact a hospital immediatly or end your life before the disease takes over your body and claims a limb.

Victim of the 'Common Cold'

Late

2008-07-15T00:28:00.001+01:00

So no lame jokes this time. Pretty much this zine is taking a while to get out due to holidays and work. It will be here before the end of the month. Hopefully very soon.

Why?

2008-07-09T18:52:00.002+01:00

How come at 6.50 there is no Police Camera Action on but they have time to make us watch a woman discussing what she'll do if her greyhound goes into labour through shock that her mate wins the race?

I want to see deranged Americans driving the wrong way down the motorway with a very bad voice over the top dropping some corny lines.

Rolan Deep

The Blowout

2008-07-08T13:13:00.013+01:00

Sometimes horrible things happen in the world. Whoever considers getting the following haircut should be damned to the fiery pits of hell to suffer eternal torture for what they have bestowed upon mankind.

See: "The Blowout"/"The Guido"/"The Gotti"

"Guidos are the native species of douchebag endemic to the Jersey Shore; however, their distribution and range extends from Florida to Jew York, especially in cities with a GNC. They display the outward appearance of an oven roasted over-inflated Miami club fag due to orange spray tan and glow in the dark teeth. They are, however, easily discerned from the former by their vocalizations" - Courtesy of Encyclopedia Dramatica

An Abused Child (right)

A complete tool (above)
It is a scientific fact that 97% percent of males with this haircut are arseholes. If it is a scientific fact (quotes from certified forum users) then it MUST be true.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Guido

I think it split......i'm late.

2008-06-29T22:00:00.000+01:00

So pregnancy aside i thought i would warn you the new Pancakes will be late as it's the 29th and i have not began editing it. However the latest one is still about so check it out and give us a shout if you're stoked, or not stoked as the case maybe.

Cheers.
Rolan Deep

Trains, planes and automobiles.

2008-06-22T21:29:00.003+01:00

So this weekend i found myself using Britain's fantastic train system and meeting some of the fantastic people who journey on them. I hate trains, they're cramped, they're crap and they're full or oddballs.

My train journey was eight hours from Newcastle to some backwards place down south. First off surely it would be a good idea to put windows on that you can open rather than shit ones which mean it stays hot, stuffy and smelly. Also why is it that i am always sat next to the toilet, i had the smell of shit wafting round me all the way.

The journey started well, everyone met on time and we all got on. We get to our carriage and it none of those tags to say the seats were reserved so we sat where ever we wanted. The first annoying thing was that the inspector was an absalute moron. I was asleep but i had left my ticket and pass out next to me so he could check it. No, he couldn't he had to wake me up to make sure it was me on my rail pass. Who is going to go to the extent of stealing my railcard so they can journey for 8 hours with a band of fucking retards.

So as i said we were sitting where we wanted and it was all fine, i was asleep, people were reading or listening to tunes then we got to some random stop. The people all barged on and rather than ask a friend to wake me i was shaken to i woke up to be told "your in my seat", yes but they don't have reserved tickets on, there are seats everywhere, sit somewhere else. No infact he didn't sit somewhere else, he called the guard who made me move. Now by this point the rest of my mates had found their seats. I found mine and there was a man sitting in it. I explained this and he went off on a tirade about how he was blind and he had to have this seat as it was a priority seat. How would he know, he can't see anything, although through the course of the journey he read, played his ipod and looked out of the window. Anyway the guard came back and then told me not to make a fuss over seats, he had just turfed from mine, so in the end i went to sleep in the vestipule until blind man decided that having two seats to himself was a bit rude, luckily he didn't suffer too much as my leg room soon became his.

So we got to our destination and spent the night there then returned the next day. I thought it wouldn't be as bad but it was worse. It was full of sour buisness men going to work, old ladies who shouted at us for speaking, toddlers who threw up and just the worst type of people to share a carriage with. All in all we were stoked to get onto the bridge coming in to see the Tyne bridge but no, a red light broke and we spent an extra 45 minutes waiting.

Rolan Deep

The future according to Peter Snow

2008-06-16T21:56:00.005+01:00

What ever happened to the future being cool...

I seem to remember that people could hardly contain their excitement for the future; everything was silver, Tomorrow’s world was talking about rockets and robots and children were delving into their Spice girls discography to fill their time capsules. But now, people seems to have settled on the idea that all the future has to offer us is damp carpets from all of the flooding and shoot-outs on your doorstep. Now, everything that was silver is black, Tomorrow’s world has been replaced by Traffic Cops and instead of children filling their time capsules, they choose to fill their rotten mouths with chicken nuggets.

I’m being lenient and giving ‘The future’ until 2050 to come about. If by then I am not (at least) an acquaintance of George Jetson, I will be furious.

I wonder where ‘The Future’ will happen. My guess would either be Japan or Saturn. Both have their problems; Japan is already pretty busy, if you were late getting there they may not let you in so you would have to start a gang (like on that programme Tribe which used to be on channel 5 at about 8am) and the novelty of wearing face paint and sailing around on ships made of doors and driftwood would soon wear off. On the other hand, if ‘The Future’ were to take place on Saturn; if you didn’t like it that much you couldn’t really do anything about it. You could try starting a gang but once you got out of the space station, your head would implode. Nobody would join that gang.

Maurice L'Freak

We're Stoked

2008-06-16T21:55:00.001+01:00

So we haven't really bigged anything up as of yet. That's because the majority of things I see, go to or meet are mediocre usually closely bordering on down right shit. In all honesty I crave disappointment, I am genuinely unhappy when I come out of a film and think that was really worth my time, I like to whine, moan and bitch about things but some things are just too good to do that about.
So here's what is genuinely worth going out of your way for:

Eat Disco - Mint tunes, amazing illustrations and a genuinely fun night out.

Foxy art birds - all about pretentious art birds who are willing to give it up for a bottle of cheap red wine and a vague reference to an obscure arthouse film neither of you have seen.

Good Manners – People are lacking in them, it's common courtesy and just a nice gesture. Manners cost you nothing.

Rolan Deep & Maurice L'Freak

What a world

2008-06-16T21:43:00.005+01:00

So we all love a good old laugh at those true odd balls in the world. You know those stories you read about a man who sold his best friend for crack or that couple who turned out to be brother and sister and only found out once they'd married. Those stories where you turn to your friend and say “It's a horrible world we live in.” whilst inside your soaking up every little detail to tell it as an anecdote at the next social occasion where those quirky cool guys are who you just wish you could be seen as funny in front of. Well anyway, here's a few I found whilst surfing the net.

A while back customers in a McDonalds in Japan were disturbed from gorging on their food by the site of two well known pornstars going at it. They alerted the employees and the police arrived to arrest the shame faced stars and the producer. This is a pretty odd story in itself but the real odd part is that it took 30 minutes before anyone thought to do anything. Now if it was me eating my burger and fries who realised that the couple next to me were in the midst of filming another cracking straight to DVD film I would tell the employees straight away. I think everyone would, but apparently everyone just kept eating and it only came to the notice of the employees when a man happened to walk past them on his way to order his food where he happened to mention it. I delved a little deeper into this story and it turns out this isn't all that uncommon. Porn is a huge industry in Japan so the production values have gone right down, this means there's less money involved and for producers to get the stars they want they have to sacrifice the scenery which is why this particular film was being filmed in a McDonalds just to save a bit of cash.

Another one of my favourites I found was about a Polish worker involved with renovating Great Ormond Street Hospital, the summary of the story was that he had been left to clean up the site and lock up. One of the security at the site realised he had been there a long time and should be finished by now so went to investigate. Upon entering the room which was meant to be locked he found said workman in a very compromising situation with Henry the Hoover using his 'powerful and reliable suction skills' on the man's penis. Now surely this should have just been a hands up situation where the man would admit 'yes, I'm in the wrong, I should be fired.” but no instead he claimed he was in fact cleaning the crotch area of his boilersuit when suddenly he fell out of the suit and Henry just sucked him up, he went on to claim that this was common practise in Poland. Thankfully the man was fired but really we should bring back capital punishment for this. It's disgusting, it is a hoover, it cannot be particularly pleasing having a airvalve suction implement around your penis and even if you weren't caught surely you would feel a bit ashamed of yourself. Does he not realise that he can pay people to do this?

Do you all remember that teacher you had in Primary School? That really fun one who always told the best stories, had the best videos for the class and was generally just the teacher you wanted. Well anyway in Florida a teacher who was well known for being that guy decided to celebrate the release of the last Harry Potter book by learning a few magic tricks to show his pupils. This isn't going to turn all dark and twisted where he murders his class. No in fact he just learnt a few simple card tricks and how to vanish little things through slight of hand. Well he was very good at these in fact a little too good because like every class he had a pupil who was a little gullible and freaked out. This kid pretty much told the head teacher that some dark forces were in motion in his classroom and that the teacher could use magic. Anyway, the teacher was called into the head office where he was fired. The reason cited for his contract being terminated was that he was using 'Wizardry in class'.

Rolan Deep

EDIT: So while looking for a good picture of Henry the Hoover i came across an even better story about a dwarf performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, the main part of his act was pulling a Henry The Hoover across the stage with it attached to his penis. Now if you've ever had to clean a flat with Henry the Hoover you'll know he's not all that good at actually being a hoover, evidently the dwarf also found this out so used superglue to attach him but he bought the wrong brand this time and an hour after the show was admitted into the hospital with Henry glued to his penis as it turned out he couldn't get him off no matter how hard he pulled.

Rolan Deep's Guide to joining a gang of tramps

2008-06-16T21:38:00.001+01:00

I've often wondered how to become a tramp. It can't be an overnight thing, you can't spend one night on the streets and become a good ol' grubby, drunk, incomprehensible tramp. It isn't like you can turn up at the local bench where they hang out with a bottle of cider and hope to be accepted. It's like when people go on holiday with a cheap phrase book and go into a distinctly local bar and think they fit in. They don't.

To avoid humiliation I have made a few simple steps to become a member of roaming tramp gang.

1.Clothing
Get some clothing which if kept clean would not be associated in anyway with a tramp – Sports jackets, suits and blazers.

2.Hygiene
To differentiate yourself from normal people who may wear these smart items of clothing get yourself really dirty. I'm not talking forgetting to wash occasionally, this takes dedication; don't wash for months and at any chance get covered in mud, shit, food and or sick. This means you'll look the part and that you've been living on the streets for a good while, at least you'll look like a man who's been living among the animals on a farm.

3.Smell
This is partially linked to point 2, develop a strong stench, tramps are like dogs they mark their territory with a smell. If your smell is weak they will detect weakness and be rooting through your pockets for loose change before you even know what's happening.

4.A back story
This is one of the pinnacle points of being a tramp, it isn't really for the other tramps to know because becoming a tramp is like being in the French Foreign Legion, no one asks questions. The back story is for normal people who see you, you've got to have some ridiculous story about how you fell from grace, it should incorporate all important aspects of falling from grace, money, betrayal and murder. It is important it makes people a little bit scared of you and more likely to avoid you because as I said earlier tramps can detect weakness.

5.Accent
The accent is hugely important, you need to sound like you are from somewhere with a very regional accent but at the same time making little to no sense at all. A few suggested accents are : Geordie, Scottish, Liverpudlian and for the travelling tramp, Irish.

6.Plastic Bag
This is essential for anyone to take you serious. You must at all times carry round with you a plastic bag with a suspicious shaped item in it which no one ever sees. It can be anything but you must guard it like a bear guards honey.

If you follow all of these steps the rest will come easy, you'll soon be standing uncomfortably close to people in queues, fighting for change and harassing people for cigarettes.

Rolan Deep

Designer Vagina

2008-06-16T19:59:00.005+01:00

I appologise for being graphic and obscene.
A few nights ago I was revelling in the glow of terrestrial television during some 'ads' when this urban nightmare popped up

Basically it seems to be about a young lady with a nasty case of thrush.
Now replace 'thrush' with the notion of a crotch located venus fly trap

This film does not sound like the kind of film i would like to see

It gives me a chilling feeling knowing that i can never hear the phrase
"now let me see those pearly whites" ever again without feeling the need to cross my legs.

Oprah

2008-06-01T18:31:00.003+01:00

America is a crazy place.

I don't think this could be demonstrated any further than in the clip you are about to watch, provided in the link below.

It is a clip from the famed 'Oprah Winfrey Show'. Traditionally Oprah will do a special episode every season called 'Oprah's Favourite Things' where she gives away millions of dollars worth of luxury freebies to her audience.

This clip displays a carnage and hysteria on such a mind blowing scale that it tops all the preconceptions you've ever had of American daytime TV

My favourite is the woman praying to Jesus..

Observe

Fresh Zine Ting

2008-05-31T19:54:00.005+01:00

So the zine made it to number two. It's all finished and is getting printed now. I've ran out of the first ones but if you did decide you want one just drop us a line and i'm sure i can sort you out.

The new one will be in shops, bars and such round Newcastle and if you would like to have it in your shop or bar then drop us a line and we can send you a batch.

Also this may still be one of the best songs ever to come out of the UK in my humble opinion.

Rolan Deep

Can you get served for me?

2008-05-28T23:29:00.003+01:00

Whatever happened to manners? This does sound like something a pensioner would say but seriously, where are peoples manners these days?

So on the Bank Holiday I found myself at the 3volution festival on the quayside and like every year it was abysmal. They shouldn't call it a festival for one thing, they have usually two artists who are alright but you then discover are shit and it's in a carpark, not my idea of a festival.

Back to my point, it was frequented as usual by groups of underage children having fun and generally enjoying their first festival, I'm happy that the 3volution festival is here because it's a safe-ish environment for younger kids to experience a festival without having to worry about camping out, money and all the usual things. However I don't understand why they all feel the need to turn into little shits as soon as they put their feet onto the ground of the carpark. It's like they've drank too much Sunny Delight. I spent the day being harassed for cigarettes off children who looked like they had been participating in a friendly bout of UV paintball.

Now I don't mean to be hypocritical because when I was younger I like everyone enjoyed getting drunk off very little alcohol and being a general annoyance but when I was sitting outside the shop trying to find someone to get served for me I was courteous and polite to everyone. I was walking to meet a friend of mine when I was accosted by 3 or 4 girls who must have been about 14. “Excuse me, could you get me and my mates a drink and she'll kiss you” they said pointing to a plump child who I can only assumes natural skin colour is bright green. I politely explained that I was on the way to meet my girlfriend and that the queue for the drinks was rather large so I didn't really have time. The language that came out of those girls mouths was disgusting.

It's taking the piss. Do I look like an off license? Was there something in my clothing that made you see me and decide to approach me with a bargain which gave me nothing? Perhaps it's because my hood happened to be up and you acknowledged me as another fan of whatever apparent “rave” band was playing? I am none of the above and I can tell you I dislike you, I dislike you from your stupid bright hairbobbles to the facepaint you had on to make you look cooler. I hate the fact that you think I would want to go out of my way for you, I hate that you made me slow my pace for our interaction because all in all I do not care whether you get your watered down drink, see your favourite band or in fact have a good time because I do not know you and I never wish to know you.

This is a metronome Kate, invest in one.

In fact this small situation proceeded to happen through out the day which went from one mediocre act to the next. The event very simply, it was shit. It is shit every year in fact. I bet the promoters are so happy that they originally called it Freevolution so that it was easy to change to 3volution and con £3 out of our pockets to pay huge amounts of money for anything we might want to eat or drink. Next time I hope they research who the artists main demographic is because let's be honest, who actually listens to the Streets, in fact who ever listened to the Streets?

Sadly I know for a fact, next year I will be there and so will the crowds of people I hate. I will detest every moment of it, probably come home and rant about it then go the year after.

To sum up the event, who the fuck is Duffy?

Rolan Deep

Everything I've learnt, I learnt from George Romero

2008-05-18T15:24:00.011+01:00

When I was a mere child, I was never phased by films intended to scare, but now I have grown up it seems that I now can truly insight into thing's that are actually terrifying.

On Friday (for about the 50th time) I found myself engrossed in 'Day Of The Dead' and had to barricade my door when I went to bed incase of a zombie attack. I even actually fretted over what I would use if they managed to get in.
Fucking British arms control..
At least America have one advantage that if it did happen, every other man (and possibly all men in the deep south) could simply whip out a rifle/pistol/machine gun/hand-grenade/other to blow their heads off. What the hell would I use? An ASBO?
Instead I opted for a rather heavy candle stick that a friend gave me when drunk. I'd then proceed to beat the thing over the head and stay in my room using my mobile to communicate with the military or fire brigade.
Smoothe.

I blame my entire superstitious personality on Hollywood. It's been said a million times before but there are a few rules that if you want to survive JUST INCASE certain events happen..

Victim of said 'candle stick' brutality

Always check under your bed and under the covers before you climb in to make sure there are no pasty (un)dead Japanese children with arthritical jerky limbs and hoarse voices hiding there

Anaemia can cause pale complexions, chronic fatigue and inability to descend stairs in a civilised manner

Try not to accidently brush up against members of the general public (especially on transport) incase you should become infected with incurable blood-borne rage. Consider this also when kissing strange people in clubs.

NEVER hang out in; the london underground, the amazon jungle, the woods, european youth hostels, out of use asylums or hospitals, abandoned summer camps, New York, Paris or Tokyo and 'stay off the moors'

Opt for Scrabble, Cluedo or Twister instead of Ouija Boards

For light reading, try the newspaper or a gardening magazine instead of ancient manuscripts that raise the dead.

Never make a film documentry unless you would like the grainy footage and poor quality sound to be your epitaph.

Avoid sitting in a dark room with an exposed or uncovered mirror incase you even think the words 'Bloody Mary' or 'Candyman'

Lock your door when you shower

Don't look over your shoulder when running a bath or filling a sink.

Teach your children and younger siblings some manners - it's rude to levitate and masturbate with crucifixes when the local Vicar comes round

On no occasion do you EVER have sex in a strange place or at a party - being a slut guarantee's your death to arrive swiftly and painfully.

It's probably also an idea to wear as much clothing as possible. Scantily clad screams 'kill me first'

Bad Example: Li-Lo - First to die.

Try to avoid killing (even if its accidental) hitchikers or a persons mother, brother, sister, father, wife, son, daughter or lover.

It's probably best not to wander empty streets or visit any abandoned cities - especially in the dark early hours of the morning or late hours of night. Fog is also never a good sign unless you wish to be attacked by supernatural mutant entities and flesh hungry minions. Spectres of little girls - also a bad sign.

Call a member of the clergy if experiencing demons inside harmless kitchen appliances.

Get to a hospital immediatly for a tetnis jab and a silver bullet upon the event of being bitten by something large and hairy.

Seek psychological help or a paediatrician if you think your child closely resembles an old woman in a veil

Bleeding walls, objects flying round the room, and banging and shaking of your home may just be your house telling you that you should have went to Homebase instead of Ikea. Redecorate.

Happy House :) Sad House :(

If your television seems to be a portal to the underworld/has dead children climbing out of it - it's probably time to return it before the insurance guarantee runs out. Also: unplug it , you know..to stop global warming.

Not great for energy saving.

And remember domestic violence; whether it be psychological or done wearing a mask and using a power tool -it is never acceptable.

Dear Girl on my myspace

2008-05-12T18:52:00.003+01:00

(A formal letter of complaint)

I do not know you, and I appologise for any distress this may cause - but you are annoying.I'm sure you'll agree that you also have people on your friends list, from that hellish social networking site known as myspace, that you do not know and probably, do not like.

I bet you find it irritating when they post ugly pictures, almost gagging for comments, only to post several more mere hours later of themselves in suggestive poses wearing very little."Teehee, it's only me in my bra! Teehee" they all say, but we all know that no matter how many times you flash your double A's that only the average online masturbator - in between battling a petty Lvl. 3 Druid for the Magical Sword of the Infinite or trolling internet forums/looking at porn etc. - will be watching intently with one hand on the mouse and the other plunged somewhere beneath the desk.

That's probably about as annoying as I find you. With your small text, and your shitty miniscule add/msg buttons and your pictures with their unwitty captions/song lyrics. I don't like to read your bulletins about your 'nights out' or your 'crazy weekend' because quite frankly, your weekends sound dull. They sound painfully uneventful and complete non-adventures. Your nights out make me want to spend my nights in, stabbing myself repeatedly in the eye socket with a blunt pencil.
Watching 'Peter Kay Live' over and over.
For all eternity.

(what i'm trying to get at, quite subtly and cleverly is that you are a one trick pony)

So please consider the needs of others when you participate in such heinous hate crimes against my eyes and my internet broadband. Please remember that there are starving children in Africa, people dying of incurable diseases, living in poverty, being opressed, beaten, raped, killed...and all because of you.

There is no .com in tragedy.

Yours Sincerely,
Bringer of Peace to the Middle East.

Justice

2008-05-12T01:15:00.002+01:00

So I realise that this video has been out for a few days but it appears to be obligatory for you to make a post about this if you have a blog.

Justice - Stress

Unlike everyone else i'm not going to go into an indepth explanation of how the video depicts a harsh reality of living in Paris or am I going to complain about the huge amount of violence. Infact all i'm going to say is this is an amazing video and enjoy it.

Also on an unrelated note, i was browsing the net and came across this bizarre site.

Rolan Deep

SAFETY FIRST

2008-04-30T22:29:00.004+01:00

WEBSITE AND BLOG UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Don't play on building sites or your children will die.

Pancakes Zine

2008-04-20T18:32:00.002+01:00

So this blog was originally meant to be a zine but we were all to lazy and busy to do it. Times change so now we've decided to make it into a zine, not sure how regular it'll be but it will be appearing in bars and shops around Newcastle in the near future.

It's been a bit rushed and some things could be better but such is life. If you see it have a read, see what you think.

Cheers,
Rolan Deep

Stop ruining your own language. Part1

2008-04-19T22:18:00.003+01:00

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem which is ruining our fine language. It is not what many of you believe it to be, other people, it is you. You are ruining our way of speaking by watering down terms and making everything so pathetic and soft. I don't like to rant, I lie, I do but I do not like to speak down to you but please before you use a term in an offhand way find out what it really means.

I'll start off with my main problem is the term 'rave'. Now i'm not going to lie i'm not an avid raver but if it annoys me it must piss off real ravers. A rave is a situation where they play a large variety of music gabber, breakcore, psytrance, speedcore and numerous other sub genres depending on the promoter. Now i'm sorry to say but you and your friends having a so called party and get a bit drunk at it does not constitute a rave and neither does going to every generic club night which happens to play The Prodigy. I can guarantee you that if your music selection is made mainly of bands who have only just made it big and you're all sitting quietly about chatting then you are not 'raving', you are merely socialising. I'm not saying this to mock you, i'm doing it to help you because one day you will be finding yourself in a very uncomfortable social situation thinking to yourself "Why aren't they playing the Klaxons?" because you didn't think to find out what an actual rave was.

So there's a lot more things along these lines which piss me off but i'm going to leave it for now as this. I'll continue this next time but till then please please please start using terms the way they were meant to. I did not have a rave writing this and i certainly am not a legend for doing so.

Rolan Deep

The One where the social workers came for Jennifer Aniston's baby

2008-04-11T20:09:00.004+01:00

Today I watched the last episode of 'Friends' ..again. E4 screen the entire series' on a daily basis and have done so since it finished, like, say....6 years ago or something?? And it's highly likely that they will show the first series all over again next week.

Having used to be an avid fan of Friends I have re-aquainted myself in recent months with the joys of Friends - it's a programme you can watch without fail if you should stumble across it, on television no matter what else is on, and always find something vaguely amusing about it.

However, I have a few bones to pick with Friends. Admittedly the last 3-4 series are abysmally terrible - either being too serious/stupid, kill the characters completely and flog the entire thing to death with unnecesary storylines (Rachel and Joey? HELLO? What's with that?) in order for celebrities to cash in on cameo appearances (Bruce Willis, Christina Applegate, Alec Baldwin, Elle McPhereson to name a few..)

Today I would like to question the wherebouts of Rachel Green's (Jennifer Aniston) baby.
Back in series ...6...(or was it 7?) , Rachel gave birth to an actual child parented by Ross (who seems to get geekier, more high pitched and annoying as the entire thing progresses..) who she named Emma. As i recall not only was her child completely and suspiciously free of placenta in the short-term aftermath of her birth, but she only appears for a various amount of episodes - probably because renting a baby for a television show is like the equivelent of child labour.

That is all fine and well till the last series where Rachel's baby is apparently completely ABSENT from the entire thing. WHERE the HELL is she leaving this baby?!
She swans off to Barbados, she goes to Joey's celebrity party, she flits off to Paris (but not before having a party/sleeping with Ross) and yet where the hell has she misplaced her child in all of this?! It's as if she never even had one.

In fact she barely mentions her. Maybe the writers forgot she had the baby..heck maybe Rachel forgot (although i'm pretty sure if a woman had to pass a large living object from out between her legs after 9 months of hell, she is most likely to remember..)

Perhaps someone should be sending round the social services to dear old Ross'n'Rachel's because quite frankly Ross doesn't seem to see his son oh-too-much either. This makes me question whether his ex-wife had some sort of custody order passed against him, meaning he could only see his son on special occasions/under supervision. (You know, on account of his 'rage')

I also noticed Monica, in the last episode, leaves her NEWBORN TWINS alone in the apartment while she dismantles Joey and Chandler's fuseball table across the hall - yes i know, it's only across the hall but really Monica...leaving the door unlocked? When they have literaly just entered the world a mere few hours ago? This is not very wise now is it?

You, Monica Geller Bing, have what we call a potential 'Madeline McCann' situation on your hands there.

electro.nic

Uncontrollable Gig-time Wanker Syndrome

2008-03-31T21:27:00.009+01:00

The National Health service are releasing a statement about a local epidemic that is highly contagious and can be contracted whilst spending a number of hours in small, cramped spaces amongst crowds of sweaty individuals.
(such as gigs, crowded clubs, football stadiums, elevators and orgies)

It is airborne and most likely to effect males from the ages of 15-40

Even more likely to suffer are those with long hair, in their teens. that are prone to activities such as 'moshing', 'headbanging' and general embarassing physical exertion within these environments.

Symptoms include:
- Irritatingly talking bollocks during interludes
- Frantic incontrollable, hysterical behaviour
- Pushing weaker/smaller individuals out of their way
- Fighting/running into other sweaty teenage boys
- Attempting to "crowd surf" (a practice found in less economically developed countries)
- Singing the wrong words
- Attempting to rip flesh off/potentially rape the performing acts
- Unintentionally stamping on peoples feet/legs/heads
- Falling over for no real reason
- Removing their shirts to reveal their awful pasty bodies
- Sweating Excessively
- Smelling of B.O, vegetation and alcohol

Most sufferers were admitted to the Betty Ford Clinic or a General Hospital within 24 Hours. Tragically, doctors said they could suffer from this disorder for the rest of their lives.

"BRAAAAAINS!"

An example of the brutally savage manner a rabid crowd suffering from illness may attack

The Chaos resulting in Friday nights epidemic

If you have any of these symptoms or have been exposed to such conditions please contact your local GP immediatly.

Side effects reported have included induced death from being beaten to a messy pulp of blood and teeth as non-suffers get fucking sick of people whacking them in the face with their scrawny elbows and breathing on the back of their necks.

electro.nic

The Idiots Guide To Guilt Trips.

2008-03-11T23:40:00.000Z

To understand a guilt trip you have to understand the term, you are sending them on a guilt trip. This simple phrase explains the whole idea of a guilt trip. Imagine you sent your friend on a holiday, you’d expect something good for that. It’s exactly the same with a guilt trip. You’re sending them on the trip and you want something good out of it, if not it’s a waste of time and energy.

Your guilt trip will not work if you bail out of it, you need to go full on for it. You can’t at the end of it let them know they’re forgiven. It needs ambiguousy and it needs a lot of it. It’s like mastermind, you’ve started so you might as well finish, don’t cancel the trip and give them the satisfaction of knowing you’re even. Keep at it until you get what you want, no one gets anything in life for free.

My final tip is determination, this trip could last ages, depends on the present. If you want a good old guilt trip it’s going to be tiring, it may involve other people but it will need to be drawn out to its entirety, if you cut it short after all of the effort has been put in, you’re letting down everyone who’s helped you along the way and more importantly you’re letting down yourself.

Rolan Deep

Riddle me this...

2008-02-24T23:18:00.002Z

Why is it that when someone else feels ill they whine about it but when you get it they act like they braved it silently?

Fuck off, I wouldn't have a need to whine if you knew how to cover your mouth when you coughed.

I'm slightly bitter.

Rolan Deep

A Tale of Two Lovers

2008-02-13T23:38:00.003Z

Boy meets girl.
Boy dumps girlfriend.
Boy asks girl out.
Girl says yes.
Everyone is happy, except ex.
Girl sleeps with another boy.
Boy dumps girl.
They have break up sex.
They rekindle their love.
Girl declares she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.
He laughs.
She dumps him.
They have break up sex.
They remember why they fell in love.
Girl does boy's head in.
Boy wants a break.
Boy cheats on girl with ex girlfriend.
Ex girlfriend's happy.
Girl and boy have breakup sex.
They get back together.
Valentines is looming.
Boy helps girl do some work.
Girl doesn't need his help.
Girl dumps boy to be nice to him.
Boy saves relationship.
Valentines is saved.

Happy Valentines.

Rolan Deep

"But Mummy, how am i meant to have a fashion career if you don't pay me into Unih-vuuuhhhh-siteaay!

2008-02-10T00:00:00.003Z

A short definition of Rahs, Rugger Buggers and Sloane Rangers:

THE IDIOTS SURVIVAL GUIDE: FOR RAH'S..

'Rugger Bugger' (abreviated noun and english cuss word for 'anal sex') A public school boy who participates in athletic activites - mainly 'Rugby'. Orginates from the abreviated word 'Rugger' which is what smarmy posh fucks called rugby.

'Rah' (noun) deviating from the term 'Rah Rah Girl'. Possibly historically related to their 'cheerleader' status [on the sidelines watching a loved one and whooping in an irritating manner] in the sporting world. Also to do with their pronounciation of 'Yaaah' ('yeah'). Alternative theories suggest influence from Boney M's hit single 'Rah Rah Rasputin'. This theory is ridiculous. RAHS also stands for Royal Australian Historical Society. Who are Australia kidding?...They have no history!

A Social History;

Origin in the 1980's when University students obnoxious rich 'jock type' athletes and their girlfriends ('sloane rangers') began invading/dominating major cities after being rejected from Oxford to do their Nothing Degrees.

Present Day; Found swarming to 'major partying cities' such as Newcastle to wear their University branded sportswear and be generally irritating. British version of the American; Jock, Debutante and 'Preppy' characters who shop at Abercrombie & Fitch. Sorry but we don't have that SHIT here.

How to Spot A 'Rah'

'Artfully Messy' hair.

Does your subject have long long polker straight shapeless hair - so long because fathers have probably not let them have cut incase they lose their femininity/innocence/super-powers etc. OR Does she wear hair extensions -she probably does...make sure to investigate her scalp. Does she wear it in a messy unkempt bun/ponytail...with a sweatband...????

Lack Of Make Up

Rahs don't wear make up because it takes them all their time to apply a humanoid mask. Remember , they arent real people - they are actually androids sent from the dismantled set of 'Metropolis'

Sometimes Rahs are manufactured in Japanese Laboratories

They speak in Tongues/another Language/Continuous use of 'Yeah' -

Rahs love to say 'yuuuuh' (or 'yaaaah') .It's their favourite word...probably because it's the easiest to undestand, learn and pronounce. Their speech requires little thought and they usually speak in non-dialect RP (or 'posh') accents with an elongated drawl. Hence many vowel clusters/extensions and airy speech tone.
e.g;
"Loooohhhteeey, ah yuhw nuuhly duuuhn?"
"yuuuuuuuh!"

They move in packs...like wolves

Rah's sometimes use public transportation. You will never see a Rah alone. She'll slum it on the peasant wagons with her fellow Rahs or with her 'Rugger Bugger' love interest. Find them drinking water on grassy areas, drinking at students bars constantly, dossing 'on campus', or lurking in designer shops - especially Rah favourite 'Topshop' so they can pretend they are cosmopolitan and stylish because they love Coke Moss.

They dress like Death has vomited on them

Rahs have a thing about sweatpants.. Fuck knows why because they are godawful..They team these with over sized rugby shirts or University sweaters combined with their designer and/or Yasser Arafat scarves in an attempt to be 'cultured'. They also love Ugg boots despite inability to walk in them.. They love navy and baby pink for some reason. Sometimes while they holiday in the south of 'Frohhhhnce' people make them fight in arena's.

They occasionally wear leotards on nights out for no apparent reason

They are major 'party girls'

Look out for signs of the 'freshly shagged' look, incessant flirting with rich/married/middle aged men. Also look for dilated pupils, continuous trips to public toilets and mysterious white substances located in the nostrils (e.g. 'Gentlemens Nose Powder'). How many boys does your subject converse with on an evening? Do they have any reigning titles from beer festivals?Such substance abuse can only be endured by a creature not of this world - especially when they have drama or fencing class the next morning.

Old Man being seduced by a Rah

Their Names

Most rah's have standard names like 'Sara' ,'Stephanie', 'Jennifer' 'Emily' 'Katie' and 'Laura' yet all suffer proununciation issues because Rah's are programmed like Speak'n'Spells. Therefore we are greeted by; Seeeehruuuh, stefuhhneeey, jenifuuuhh, etc. However some have the more exotic monikers of 'Tilly' 'Milly' 'Lottie' 'Prudence' 'Contessa' etc. Certain pronounciations are part of complex codenames for the governments microscopic microphones to pick up on their location incase they go crazy and destroy the city.

Fact; All rah's will show up on a Sat-Nav.

Similarly with Rugger Buggers -they all have either British scholboy names like 'Henry', 'Harry' or 'trendy' abreviations such as 'Tomo' and 'Wills'.

Smug Look of self Satisfaction

Rahs like to think they are sexy because they can pull a few footballers. This is not true. They enjoy drama and bitchiness to a worrying extent.. They also believe other females are jealous of them. This is because Rahs are deluded. They like to promote their smugness by talking loudly about their vacations to the south of 'frohhhhnce' where i'm assuming we are supposed to envy their obvious tanorexia.

Silver Spoon schooling.

This is the reason we have to blame for genocide, nuclear warfare, poverty , U2 etc. Rah's ask their dad's to pay them into most proffessions hence our apparent decline in government, NHS and whathaveyou. When they are rejected from upper class universities they invade smaller cities and inflict their evil mind controlling ways on shop assistants and barmen. Tin foil hats must be work in their presence to prevent mind control and manic droid attacks.

They are all the exactly the same. They are everywhere. And they cannot be stopped.

The world is no longer a safe place.

NEXT TIME; HOW TO SURVIVE A RAH ATTACK (silver bullets required)

electro.kittie

Late Pancakes

2008-02-06T23:48:00.000Z

I wish the lady from the good life was my mother, she'd never forget Pancakes day.

Toad in the hole may use pancake mixture but it is not the same.

Rolan Deep

Richard Branson or rich advancin'

2008-01-21T23:32:00.001Z

So it's a Monday night and generally nothing to do but happily myself and Maurice L'Freak found our selves wandering into town to see a gig with Mr Blazey and Dogtanion.

It started with Mr Blazey djing with Drop Dead Fred and Sqidlims MCing. Fantastic set, great tunes and great lyrics. Fred even did an acapella song which was great, you can tell someone's talented when they can keep the attention of a room without any backing from instruments or the DJ. Sqidlims was good as well but my only complaint was he didn't seem as comfortable on the stage as Fred, I don't know whether this was because Fred had a bit more room to move in, other than that, both were on top form and i'll be seeing them again when I next get the chance. Mr Blazey is definetely a name to keep an eye on, he's just got an album out and if his performance tonight is anything to go by then buy it. Infact I did buy it and I'm going to back up my claim and say buy it. Available from all good record stores in Newcastle and via his myspace for those of you not from Newcastle.

Dogtanion were on next. I don't know how to describe them, melodic acoustic music with two DJs instead of drums. This doesn't do them justice, they are fantastic, definetely the best band i've seen live and probably one of my favorite bands. The great thing about them is they seem to just love playing and love the fact your there, I guess what I’m trying to say despite being signed and fantastic they’re still approachable to talk to and seem genuinely happy to be told you enjoyed them, they play the gig in a way where you could imagine them just jamming around on an acoustic guitar in your lounge. Don't get me wrong this is why I love them. They talk to the audience, make jokes and generally just seem to enjoy themselves. It's not just me they've charmed, everyone was enjoying it and not just that they played the Glastonbury unsigned bands stage and managed to secure themselves a deal with Kind Canyon records. What amazes me is that it took people this long to sign them, if I owned a label they would have been signed a long time ago. They’ve just released an album and you need to buy it. Even if a friend has it and you get it free buy it, you get 3d glasses, a badge and all sorts of goodies. Me and Maurice have our own little scale of how good things are, it’s realistic as opposed to this friendly world who’ll give 10/10 for nothing. We have yet to see someone get that but I can say truthfully Dogtanion hit a 9.8 and I don’t think I’ll ever see better. Go see them and understand what’s happening before you become one of those kids wishing you had known them before they were big because I guarantee you will be seeing them on a proper stage at some festivals soon, I’d buy a ticket just to see them.

All in all Dogtanion know how to host a night and it was enjoyed thoroughly by myself and Maurice.

Rolan Deep

Chip Shop Sound Clash

2008-01-21T13:00:00.000Z

You will never be given a better life lesson than one given to you by a drunken man in a chip shop at 3 in the morning.

"I ate so many beans I realised it was Wednesday afternoon and I was at work."

Rolan Deep

Capital Cakes

2008-01-18T16:50:00.000Z

Well with only attending a system of education for 3 days a week I find myself often with nothing to do with the four days spare except sleep excessively and spend lots of time with me and my laptop. Needless to say I can't complain. But recently I have became bored of this routine, maybe it's because my internet connection is slow and I can no longer download videos as fast as previously, or maybe it's because the American writers strike has meant that Scrubs will not finish the final series and I now don't know if it all works out, the main reason is because of my badly controlled diabetes I spend less time in bed and more time running from my room to the toilet to piss for anything from 3 to 20 minutes.

My dear friend Maurice L'Freak does the same course as me, I’m not privy to his private activities but I assume he gets as bored as me. So anyway we decided to plan an excursion to London. We get on the train but to make ourselves feel a bit more manly we bought numerous Lads Magazines and spent a while reading the clearly fictional tales some retard with a bulldog tattooed on their arm sent in. As soon as we got on the train I did what I do on all forms of transport, play Shitmat Side A from Hang The DJ too loud then go to sleep with it still playing which leaves the rest of the carriage the uncomfortable job of attempting to awake me without looking rude. Needless to say the next 45 minutes must have been a scream for them.

We got into Kings Cross at some time, I’m not sure when because the journey had seemed to go on for hours with the old people behind me giving me dirty looks every time I stood up and because it was pitch black when we arrived so it could have been anything from 8 to about 4. The tube is fucking mental, you don’t realize it until you actually look at the map, it’s huge and it’s reliable enough. Everyone whines about it but I’m happy to say they can put a sticker saying “Rolan Deep enjoys the tube”, they’ll probably think of something wittier to say but that’s all I can come up with at the moment.

We got to where we were staying and went to meet a relative of mine who lives there. We spent the next hour being lectured by one of his aging friends on how fun it was to be alive in the 60s and that we will never experience the sex he did, this in itself was an experience and I can truly say you will never fail to be shocked, amused and disgusted all at the same time when an aging man describes to you his sex life.

After a bit more of a lecture we wandered back to where we were staying via Kate Moss’ house, I don’t mean this in the cool way that we went in had a couple of lines with Kate, maybe cheekily had our wicked way then left but we just walked past it. We met her paparazzi who kindly took our photo and then we were off.

Next day woke up, weather was alright I think can’t really remember. We hit up Camden Market. It’s shit, it sells nothing of interest the only good thing about it is the amount of dealers about. We were approached to many times to count being offered ‘draw’. For me this was a strange experience as I use the term draw to ask for half a cigarette or ‘twos’ as the Londoners say. It was a bit of a culture clash and no doubt would be a fatal one if I hadn’t realized not to keep explaining my point and trying to make him offer in my phrases. We decided to take the safer option and politely declined and agreed indeed he was who we would buy from if we needed any.

We left Camden pretty sharpish because it’s wank and if you truly enjoy it you probably enjoy S. and M. We went to Carnaby Street to find a shop Maurice had been to previously, sadly it was no more and shop that replaced it sold excellent jumpers except they had the fraid look so we left. After a few calls to friends from London we were directed to Micro Zine or something like that. I didn’t really like most of the stuff but Maurice got a sick jumper and then we went back to a different shop known as Lazy Oaf. Go there when you have the chance, sick clothes and sick staff except they don’t do cash returns which is a pisstake.

After we managed to spend more stupid amounts of money we left and went back. We went to a comedy show which was funny whilst we were accosted by Al the Poet who told us about how he lives on the street and writes poems about people then follows them singing them to them. I can’t really remember him because of the state I was in but I think he looked like a cockney Sea Sick Steve, Maurice disagrees on this.

We headed to a bar called the Elgin, sick. Full of loaded people and decent food. The barmaid working there was amazing, named Emily. I asked Maurice to give me a quote about her and I think this pretty much sums it up “You'll need at least another 10 pages to describe Emily” Beautiful.

We then went a club which we were told was quite good. Now when we were in there it felt like a normal night out but maybe a bit more gay. Now I wasn’t too fazed I thought, “This is London who knows what mad shit goes down”. I woke up the next day hungover after we’d walked through the ghetto in Kilburn with a flyer. Looking at the flyer I realized the night was called “MUSIC IS MY BOYFRIEND”. Ok, it can’t be that bad, nothing mental happened but researching it a bit more it was a polysexual night. This essentially means the people there are the type of weirdoes who will fuck anything.

All in all our next day was a quiet one and then the day after we were going home. We packed our bags but due to some confusion missed our train, hopped on another got caught, got fined, got home.

In conclusion I’m leaving here soon and moving to LDN baby. Good looking people and so many good shops.

Rolan Deep

Helping The Needy

2008-01-16T21:04:00.002Z

I am an avid fan of advice (a.k.a controlling peoples lives through mind manipulation - a bit like scientology). I'm also a fan of tabloid newspapers and terrestrial TV. Im sure it shows.
However i feel like i have been drawn into my own melodrama when concerning other people's problems. Perhaps i should take it as a compliment that people turn to me for advice and clearly care enough about what i say - even if they don't bother to listen - to even ask me for help which i will ultimately fail at giving. I call this 'Chat Show Dilemma'.

And i can see why. There's not a lot of options otherwise. Childline are shit. I rang them once and i think they put me on hold. Daytime TV has brainwashed me you see, to be a machine of 'self help'. My first complaint is against the -unhelpful smugness (albeit occasional greatness) of a one Mr. Jeremy Kyle. Replacing Trisha Goddard was never easy - she was my first love. But now 'Jezza' as i like to call him, drags in all the scummy riff raff of society to tell them how pathetic, useless and scummy they all are instead of offering the calm collected advice Trisha would give. Any man who can stand in a suit and tell a scruffy charver named Sharon, and the father of her fifth illigitamate child (i forgot his name, but i'm sure Sharon had as well) - that they are a waste of human flesh is nothing but a hero in my eyes.

"Is that your name on the wall?! NO IT'S MINE!

Needless to say Jez clearly relishes (apparently) being much better than the delinquents you see before you ( check the 'slack-jaws' pictured above for example) however he does loooove to tell tales of how his brother is a drug addict -Kick him while he's down don't you. Maybe they have a jealous relationship...his brother was the one who got all the girls, and most of his parents praise and then made captain of the football team or something - and Jez was left the rubbish one who just sat around giving people crap advice. Perhaps he has some issues he'd like to challenge and he is taking his inner sense of worthlessness out on the uneducated masses...
Oh poor lamented Jeremy, you may have your name on a wall - but is that really what makes you happy? Are you really satisfied?

The tale goes on. Really Jeremy, give your brother a break and stick to degrading the working classes like the helpless vegetables we are.

However, no one gives advice like the Americans.

Oprah, Ricki Lake, Montell, Jenny Jones being personal favourites. If you have a clinically obese daughter or incestuous relations there is no place like America- the land of freedom and opportunity to help you through your ordeal. But don't expect any actual advice - because even worse than Jeremy - the American talk show hosts are probably, secretly just as insane as their guests.

Recently i've settled for the afternoon delights of watching 'Maury'.
Dear Maury, if i ever have a problem i am not ever going to come to you because you simply aggravate your guests to point of mental breakdown. Sure, they deserve it, they are pretty crazy anyway- but couldnt you be a tad more sympathetic when they appear to develop a incontainable raging fit of hysteria ?

For example;
Maury; ok so here's Alfonse - he's 23, from Tenassee and he's going to reveal to his girlfriend Shanteequa that he's been sleeping with her mother LaFawnduh for the past 4 years and now her mother is pregnant!

[boos and genereal insults hurled from the audience as Alfonse, a skinny, white, bearded, toothless man from the rural south walks onto the stage in dungarees - chewing straw]

Maury; so Alfonse, your going to tell Shanteequa your secret?
Alfonse; UH HURRHH
Maury; please enter Alfonse's girlfriend Shanteequa!

[cheers from the crowd as a large woman, wearing what appears to be a miu miu enters]

Maury; So Shanteequa. Alfonse , your FIANCE and boyfriend of 6 years - father of your9 children - has brought you here today to tell you his secret....are you going to tell her?
Alfonse...urrhhhhhm....
Maury; [cutting in] Alfonse has been having an affair!

Shanteequa; WHAT! YOU F***IN' A***HOLE, I'M GUNNA F***ING KILL YOU! YOU LYIN' CHEATIN' PIECE O' S***!!!
[crowd goes wild ]
Maury; And thats not all! It's with your mother LaFawnduh!
[Shanteequa bursts into tears and swings for Alfonse, crowd goes wild as security guards struggle to restrain her]

Maury; and it's been going on for 4 years!
[Shanteequa attempts to knock Alfonse out with a chair, and flees backstage screaming and wailing - Maury follows]
Alfonse; a swear, ah didn' - cuhm baaik !
Maury; come on. come on Shanteequa. Don't you wanna know the rest?
Shanteequa; naww, git awaeeey!
Maury; we have to tell you....your mother is also pregnant!

[Shanteequa runs out screaming, and most probably kills herself]
Maury; well there you have it! Secrets out! Join us next time on Maury!

What an antagonist! Maybe if he actually helped Shanteequa maybe she wouldn't have stabbed herself to death with a pitchfork! (may not have actually happened) I get the feeling he takes his cues from another host who takes more amusement in his coaxing fights out of his trashy guests who for some reason alway send up naked or pole dancing...

Mr Jerry Springer.

Schedule plan for The Jerry Springer show;
- Security Steve introduces guests
- Background story of guests rattles the audience up
- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
- Guest enters - talks calmly to Steve and Jerry about their problem
- Second guest enters , audience go wild, two guests begin to hurl insults at eachother and scream at eachother. Jerry says nothing.Steve is seen in background hitting on 'hot blonde' in the audience
- A fight ensues, security become involved
- Both guests get naked? Yes really.
- More fighting, shouting, and bleeping. Jerry bites his fist.
- JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
- Jerry's final thought
- Naked girls dance on pole
- Credits Role.
- Shot of Security Steve with some 'hot babes'

God Bless America. Then for some reason all his guests end up naked although i'm not entirely sure why...

Example of a slightly more 'concerned' and 'consoling' face
Dick Van Dyke a.k.a 'DA MAN!' in Diagnosis Murder - he may not find out who the killer is because he leaves his son to do all that shit... but he gives him some good tips on solving the crime and can do a mean chimney sweep dance.

electro.kittie

For Auld Lang Syne

2008-01-01T22:06:00.001Z

It's yet again the time of year which fills me with dread. The New Year, I know for a fact without fail a large amount of people I know will take a sudden interest in being healthy, spending more time with their partners and generally trying to change their lifestyles because apparently they really have to.

What is the big deal, it’s the end of just another month, why bother? You didn’t give a shit about going out for a friendly night of damaging liver and lungs at the end of November why is it so bad to do it now? Fair play to them if they kept it up, but they won’t. It will get to about the 15th when suddenly they’ll go actually this isn’t fun or life changing, it’s just tiring and then a few will have that little moment of guilt and push on till February before saying “Well, I did it and I stuck at it but it wasn’t for me.” Fuck off you didn’t do it or stuck at it, you ran around your estate every other evening conning yourself you were going to stay out for an hour but it was just that little bit chilly and you decided to come in or you ran around the estate so you could spy on suburban skirt and fantasize they live in a similar style to those women off Desperate House Wives (I’ve never watched it but the title gives me an idea of what goes on).

In fact I don’t really have a problem with the quitters but it’s that month of feeling fantastic about themselves despite only managing to essentially do the same exercise I do in walking to the shop and back for my cigarettes. They may occasionally treat themselves to coming out for a drink but in their head they know it will only be one because they do know what alcohol does to you. Every time you stand up to walk outside for a smoke they’ll give you that look of sorrow knowing that they are oh so much better than you. I am happy we have the smoking ban this year because if I had to deal with the appalling fake coughing which “healthy” people decide they have to do to make you know you have been naughty I would kill myself.

All in all, if you’re going to do something don’t think you’re better than anyone else until you’ve accomplished it for at least a decent amount of months, let’s say till April at least.

Rolan Deep

Verbally Challenged

2007-12-31T00:07:00.002Z

The Lost Art Of Conversation

Since the internet has become the tool of the socially retarded (myself being a largely potential candidate) it - along with emailing, texting, mobile telephone calls and other such malarkey (such as writing something with your finger whilst wearing a magic ring therefore with a mere flick of the wrist it is sent to your friend in the next room - copyrighted and subject to availability in most legal countries) it would be apparent that the ‘Awkward Conversation’ has now taken a new turn into a constant presence of awkwardness looming over my head... I loathe texting people as it is but if there is no real point and no real need to text back to someone who is boring and I will neglect from doing so because it is what we in home country call, POINTLESS.

And of course everyone has that one friend, that one acquaintance - the friend of a friend, work colleague or ex classmate that you don’t particularly like, have anything in common with or speak to generally -that feels the need to engage you in either a one sided ‘yes/no’ warfare or fills you in on the completely unrelated details of their lives when they bump into you on the bus. You can get off a bus. You can walk away or pretend you are in a hurry/haven’t seen them/are having some sort of health defect at said moment in time to distract them whilst you make an escape. But a text message - despite having the ability to be ignored or deleted - can be sent as many times as annoying person likes meaning they can nag the living shit out of you no matter where you are in the world. Technology eh?

The Awkward Conversation;

Awkward; Not graceful; ungainly., clumsy. unskilfully performed, difficult to handle or manage: uncomfortable, causing embarrassment or discomfort:

Things that are awkward;
- Watching films with graphic sex scenes when your parents are in the room - Titanic was always a downfall as was Dirty Dancing. Should have guessed from the titles..
- Having to ask for medication for intimate or unpleasant illnesses in a busy chemist only to find that a classmate now has a job there
- Disguising urinal accidents that may have occurred during laughter, swimming or small moments of terror from general public.
- Witnessing a woman give birth in an unusual place such as the supermarket or Debenhams and having to assist with birthing procedure - “hold this open for me”
- The long pause after you make a witty remark only to realise it is highly offensive to second and third parties
e.g. ‘
‘ Bus drivers are shit’ ‘My dad is a bus driver’
*one armed man enters with a large collection of bags* ‘Hi, do you need a hand there’
And so on..
- Sexual intercourse or the aftermath of sexual intercourse taken place under the influence of alcohol - especially if occurring between siblings, distant relatives, yourself and an unsuspecting or unconscious person, an animal etc.
- Getting trapped inside a small coffin intended for someone else’s dead child only to be discovered a short time later by the child's grieving family as for a brief second they believed the corpse of their loved one had miraculously sprang to life.
- Faking your death in a canoe then having your picture pop up on google images with last months date. The shame.

Awkward Moment in History; Jodie Foster's sexuality in surprise unveiling- 'totty' of hers didn't suspect a thing yet always wondered why she spoke with an accent ;

Red Carpet Interviewer; Excuse me Miss Foster, you came out this week during your acceptance speech about the fact that you LOVE a bit of the old girl on girl - what do you have to say about that? How long have you known? Is that why they cast you in Taxi Driver? Because they knew you wouldn't get all turned obn by the fact you were playing a child hooker? Who would you rather sleep with, Lindsey Lohan or Hilary Duff?
Jodie Foster; ......uh
Jodie Foster's man friend; I'm sorry what?...
RCI; Have you ever considered playing a part on 'Ellen' ?

Conversation; The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings; talk.

Examples of conversation;
Rolan Deep :
i wonder what i would look like as an asian person
electro.nic:
apparently i look asian

So basically, if you have no thoughts or feelings on any particular subject because you are a ‘boring sod’ and or ‘moron’ then you should not engage with anyone in a conversation because it is spreading your suffering.

I speak of this because I am regularly engaged in one way conversation with people who may aswell be inanimate objects. Favourite phrases of these folks include one word answers, ‘yes’ ‘no’ ‘ok’ ‘yeah’ ‘maybe’ ‘lol’ and constant pointless questions that have already been answered earlier on in conversation a.k.a. ‘u ok?’ (its never ‘how are you’ - they must make sure all statements are short enough not to overwhelm their speech - like grunting with vague grammar) ‘ and if conversing via msn a simple use of many emotions usually substitutes the lack of actual in fact words.
And when you reply to such inquisitive word formations with a lengthy and detailed answer about your day that these people clearly don’t give a shit about, they then proceed with a simple ‘ok’ or 'lol'
END OF CONVERSATION
Now I’m sorry but if I was paying for the service to be spoken to - for example in a phone call or text message I’d make the effort to say something that was at least a bit more interesting and didn’t make the other person feel like committing homicide, suicide or any other ‘cide’.

.It's like Groundhog Day (only Bill Murray is amusing and he also starred in the 80's hit blockbuster 'Ghostbusters' - that'd give anyone something to talk about)

Sometimes i get texts that were sent when I was within METRES of the person inside the same venue when they had already spoken to me.

The majority of conversations with a boring person all have similar characteristics. They all end in you wanting to take your own life.

Conversation as follows;
Me; eeeeh hello!
Person; hi
Me; you alright?
Person; yeah.
Person; you?
Me; ahhh im ….blah blah blah *tangent* (3 minute whine about something person obviously didn’t care about)
Person; ah ok..
(LONG SILENCE)

Note the lack of actual sentences. Note how i obviously talk too much to fill in vast gaps of nothingness. Notice how i later attempted with a coathanger to gouge out my own eyes - even though it was technically not mentioned.

I now choose not to reply to people in such a fashion of conversation. Sometimes saying nothing at all can count for a thousand words.. Apparently.

Ok.

electro.kittie

You can let the candy choose you...

2007-12-30T22:38:00.000Z

One thing I hated as a child was how jealous people often mocked people for things they personally wished they had. This is the case for all sorts of people, the clever kids, the individual kids, pretty much the different kids. The people who were generally responsible for these acts were generally the cool kids who were good at sports yet secretly knew they were devoid of intellect, charm or anything special which is essential for making friends as an adult.

I bring back these nostalgic memories of soon to be inmates making up hilarious nicknames about me for a reason. Midgets, or dwarves, I don’t know what the correct term is but they have one of the roughest deals out of anyone. People mock them and believe they have it better but it is as I said previously, it’s really a deep down realization that they are different, more interesting and a thing to be envied.

Rather than boring you with a long rant on why those of the shorter persuasion are better than you I’ll break it down into six easy points.

They get a better value for money

Your smaller, you can wear kids clothes, they are essentially the same as adult clothes but cheaper. You eat less so you can save money or just splash out on better food.

You never have to duck.

Harder target for hitmen.

Jealousy knows no limits; someone might try to take you out. If you’re small they’re going to have to have a better aim and steady nerves.

Lots of work

Provided you want to be an actor it's fine because you will always get the part in the panto and there aren’t that many dwarf actors yet there is a huge drought in the market of dwarves in TV. Sadly that guy who was in the remake of Charlie and Chocolate Factory managed to kill off the Dwarven Actors Guild by using CGI to make him play everyone in the film.

Fancy dress never hard

Easy stuff, just go as a famous dwarf from a film or history.

Conversation starter

I always fall on my arse when attempting to chat someone up for a lack of an easy conversation starter. Never a problem when your 3 feet tall.

Apparently you can also be used for a brutal underground sport as well.

Rolan Deep & Maurice Le Freak

A lie can go round the world....

2007-12-30T22:18:00.000Z

When trying to pull in a club lie constantly. You'll most likely never see her again so you don't need to mention you still live with your parents. If you've lied so well that she wants to go back to your flat lie again and say your flat mate's ill with some horrific sickness and you need somewhere to stay. You've lied your way into her bed and away from the fact you’re not a lawyer and that BMW outside isn’t yours.

Another huge no is dance offs. While inebriated it seems like a hilarious if not unquestionably stylish thing to do. In your alcohol-addled brain it may seem like an easy way to impress all the ladies and humiliate all of the gents in the area. It doesn’t work; your best attempts at moonwalking or any similar dance moves that may have made Michael Jackson the king of pop don’t work for you. You’re accentuating that nerdy, embarrassing over part of you which you keep bottled up inside and who won’t appear properly for another few decades until your midlife crisis when you spend all of your money collecting pogs.

If god forbid a girl does decide you’re worthwhile and decides to come over do not under any circumstances nudge or wink to a mate. Worst of all is to nudge your mate then nod at her, this looks like you are currently planning to rendezvous afterwards where you will proceed to reenact something from a video you’re paying 2 quid for off your mothers credit card and are secretly praying doesn’t come up on the bill as XXX-Bang-Br0s.

All of the above are from personal experiences or something that has happened to myself or a friend and are at best humiliating. My final golden nugget comes from a friend of a friend.

Whenever you are about to pull stop for a second. Take just a few seconds to examine her face, pretend your admiring her beauty that may decrease as you sober up. But properly look and make sure she bares no resemblance to you or any of your family. It sounds ridiculous but this friend of a friend character pulled took her back to his flat and got his end away. 3 months down the line he’s at a family reunion and his mother takes the time to introduce him to his cousin who he’s never met before except sadly he has met her and knows her inside and out.

In no way is that story humiliating, that’s the story you find written in blood across a wall of a flat while the author sways in the wind from a noose.

So I’ve been informed that this is actually a storyline in Hollyoaks and that really tarnishes my golden nugget but I feel this is more shocking as it is full of fact, what makes it better is the gentleman involved is one of those beautiful boys who all dress the same in All Saints cardigans and frequent all tacky hell holes they call bars nationwide.

Rolan Deep

Drop Bombs, Not Blogs

2007-12-30T12:46:00.000Z

Now on the whole I am not a dedicated follower of fashion, I wear what I feel like wearing, not in that cool underground way but I don’t feel restricted to the wear the coolest clothes out at the moment when I’m more happy to don some scruffy jeans and trainers. The thing is I have noticed and by noticed I realised ages ago but had nowhere to vent my frustration, but what I have noticed is those t-shirts with stupid slogans written on them “Make Music, Not Missiles” and the classic “Drop Beats, Not Bombs”.

I despise these t-shirts and quite often the people who wear them, they make no sense, are they a protest because that’s what is insinuated. Let’s take this in a literal sense, “Make Music Not Missiles”, what were to happen if we did just that, and not just us but also everyone did. We thought fuck it let’s just stop producing weapons and just make music. The whole of the ministry defence decide to go for a cheeky one on the field and gain influence by listening to The White Album. We would have a serious problem; we’d have noone to protect us. Now I know some devious mind has thought, “What if everyone did that?” Why would they I have no doubts that America would rather obey the Geneva convention than start making music as opposed to missiles. After a while we’ll have played guitar till our fingers bled, Gordon Brown will have been doing a few Bob Dylan covers on the TV and somewhere else someone is getting bored. Not everyone is a music lover, we’ve left ourselves defenceless, and we’re well and truly fucked. Also this tee shirt insinuates that we should only play music, I love music but not all of us do. I personally feel a more accurate tee shirt slogan would be “Make Music and do other activities whilst keeping the missiles in case of an attack”. We’re all happy, we’ll be the leading country for arts and crafts overtaking Luxembourg for that title and still be safe.

The next slogan “Drop Beats, Not Bombs”, now I don’t really have as much to say but honestly, it’s just not a good alternative. If we’re at war and need to bomb a place what we going to do drop a DJ Shadow cd out of the plane, it may give someone a nasty scratch maybe a loss of vision if hit in the eye but in no way will it fight an enemy who is desperate for our destruction. Beats have been dropped on things before such as a US Navy battleship; the end result gave us yet another classic track by the Village People.

Also in conclusion for anyone who takes this literally please don’t hesitate to make me a tee shirt expressing your opinion.

Rolan Deep